Vision 31: Family beliefs and Money

After coming back from the convention and taking a week off from my normal routine I’m having trouble believing I can truly change my money patterns.

I guess it started with noticing and thinking negatively about my home life and what goes on. Since I started therapy and really got out what I’ve been feeling, it’s as if I’m telling myself and making myself see that some of the harsher parts of my life haven’t changed much. This freaks me out because I’m now realizing how much damage the drinking and negativity in the house has affected me.

I always thought that my negative thinking was purely about me being negative but the life I’ve lived has a great influence over it, and I’m constantly fighting it. I always get mad at myself for not doing better, manifesting bigger things and somehow not getting the things I really want due to self-sabotage, but I’ve learned to live that way.

Somehow in a backdoor type of way, I taught myself to follow my family and parents so that I can protect myself from perceived harm. Like having people come after me because I have money, problems randomly arising because you have more income, and simply the fact that when you have more money you have more problems. As if as much as you want and need more money, having it doesn’t really serve you. That’s a pretty huge belief.

So in a crazy way, I took that in and lived by it subconsciously. So when I do start to make more money or I’m really close to success, I cut myself off because of those deeper beliefs that say that having money only brings more trouble and negativity. Usually the negativity that you can’t fix or solve.

When I feel safe to go out and do what I want to do is normally when I see another person (more or less IRL) do it and have a positive experience. Mostly, I haven’t had those good influences in my life. Everyone has the same core money beliefs on some level. More money, more problems, or that people only want you for your money and things like that. It makes me fearful that I won’t get the things I want out of life even when I’m successful because somehow it will all go wrong.

I knew about some of these beliefs but I’m learning about them in a deeper way today. A lot of my deeper beliefs comes from my home life which is mostly negative, especially the highlights of it. It’s like the “life lessons” my family has taught me was that money isn’t that great, it tears people apart, makes the government take it away from you and it’s a way for others to keep you poor and struggling. I guess I’m dealing with those reemerging feelings again because I feel somewhat stuck. It’s like I’m falling back into the mindset of “it’s better for me to just struggle in life to survive because that’s how others have done it.”

I have yet to see someone close to me “make it” and make their dreams come true. Everyone struggles, are unhappy and complain about life. And a lot of the conversations stem from lack, negativity or that somehow others have it better than them. A mindset I detest a lot. It’s like they want to be limited and try to convince that to everyone around them. And when you say something that goes against that truth, you’re wrong, unrealistic or naive. I’m honestly struggling between what I’m learning and what I already learned for years.

I know that I’m only taking on my family’s and other people’s beliefs and applying it to myself as if I’m the same. But it’s like I can’t help it, I’m still very used to that thinking even though I made great strides to change it.

I think now is especially tough because I’m dealing with a lot of positive changes, yet I still see things that hurts me a lot. It’s like no matter how much I try, I can’t do anything to make things better for everyone else. I feel like a failure and I don’t want to feel like that. I’m just having trouble accepting life for what it is for the people that live it.

At the end of the day, I have to look at myself and keep distancing myself from other’s beliefs and their emotions, that’s what gets me. If I consider myself as a singular player that can only effect my own reality (which is the truth of the matter) than I’m not as bad as I’m looking at others. I can, have and seen the changes I can create in my own life. Sometimes I just take things way too seriously and think that the struggle is the only way for me to “get it” because that is everyone else’s belief.

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Vision 30: Agender

I have no idea what to say. This is just one of those posts that I’m completely unsure about. It hasn’t been long since I learned about this, but this is probably one of the most important things that I’ve learned about myself in many years.

I am agender, meaning that I identify myself as having no gender, even though I am biology female. It’s strange to say it out loud or in a way that I’m actually looking or listening to myself say this. This isn’t something that I knew about for years and just didn’t say anything about it, it was rather hidden or “covered” in me identifying myself as female.

For a long time I felt very uncomfortable around really feminine energy or being around a lot girls. I always found girls to be more catty and prone to pettiness in my years so I naturally gravitated to having a lot of boys as friends. I didn’t know it in my childhood but when I got older it made a lot more sense. Even in childhood I was more of a tomboy and wasn’t the typical girly girl. I loved video games and even remembered having a lot of boyish toys, though I remember liking girl things too, it was a mixed bag but I always had a more masculine curve in life.

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When I got into my teens and puberty started, oh god, I hated it. Growing a well-endowed chest in middle school wasn’t fun for me. It felt like an alarm bell for everyone (especially boys) to look at me. Needless to say I was very self-conscious about my body and wore baggy clothes to hide my shape. Hmm, talking about how my body developed gave me insight that I didn’t see before.

Before puberty started I felt a lot more free to do what I please, I wasn’t bounded to gender roles or standards, at least I didn’t see it or felt it strongly. However, once I started to become a “women” a certain standard and expectation started to take shape around my life. Where my female peers wanted to show off their bodies, wanted boyfriends, and went out to party, I fought against it. I didn’t want to grow up, I didn’t want to care about those things, I honestly didn’t have any interest or even a real concept of those subjects. I just wanted to stay a child and not be attached to adult constraints or just activities I had no interest in.

I remember around the time my own friends started to branch off into the wonders of teenagehood, I was still making friends with the younger kids in my neighborhood. I felt a lot more comfortable with them because they were interested in the same things I was interested in. There was no talk about boyfriends, fashion, school gossip or anything I felt was daunting to think about. We still used our imagination to play and relayed on rather simple things to have a good time. I honestly miss that part of my life now thinking about it.

Anyway, now that my body labeled me as a certain gender, I felt like life and society expected me to be a certain way. Like having a boyfriend, someday having children, having a career and just living a typical life as a female. I didn’t see it then but I was trapped in my own gender, where beyond that point was completely blind to me because I was raised to see and expect my life to go a certain way.
 
Since knowing that I am in fact agender, I don’t see my life as I used to. In fact, the path and destination of my life took a dramatic turn and I felt that as soon as I realized that truth about myself.

In my twin flame journey I thought that I was meant to be more girly and feminine. In fact, I thought that my disconnection to my femininity was a result of me fearing my sexuality and female nature. I thought I needed to be healed and fixed, so I strived to do just that. I drove into the world of the divine feminine even though I felt very uneasy about it, especially when the topic was about female sexuality. Even though I was asexual and knew my stance about sex, I decided it was a chance for me to find power in my sexuality (without having sex) as a women anyway.

In about a year since I went in circles trying to find my niche in my business and in life after thinking that embracing my womanhood was the answer to all my problems. Even though I enjoyed the girl power and the collective support women had for each other, I never did found my true niche, for some reason once I stated to settle in a niche, I would have the instinct to leave it.

While trying to embrace the divine feminine in life and in business I thought I needed to finally grow up. I thought that I needed to start embracing adulthood and finally start making real changes in my life. I thought that my lack of interest in adult things was the reason my life was more of a struggle than ever. I thought I was running away from everything from a fate I couldn’t really escape. It was time for me to stop trying to be an eternal princess and start being a queen over my life. I also tried to face my fears with my own sexuality only to find out that my fear was just pressure from what other women were doing to find themselves.

Even though I was doing all that I can to fit myself in a box another has set up for me, life didn’t get easier. In fact, it just felt like more obstacles was getting in my way, though I didn’t see it then. I thought I was fixing and getting my life together but in reality I was pushing against my own genderless nature by becoming more feminine. I did everything I could to embrace what it meant to be a beautiful and powerful “goddess,” a word that I despise applying to myself now.

It was when I was urged to get a reading I found out that I had strong male and female energies by a tarot reader. That is when things started to click into place. She told me things that I didn’t see completely, especially how I come off to other people, especially in the matters of affection.

It started to ring in my mind that, the way I was wasn’t because I was broken, but because I had both strong feminine and masculine energies within me, something that I never considered. I always resonated more with solar masculine energy though there was no doubt that I had my little princess side too.

This made me dive into that part of the reading and eventually when I brought my Herkimer Diamond crystal, it took me to a past life where I was a warrior with really strong masculine energy. So strong that it still affects me to this very day. I am as one with it as I was in the past. When I dived deeper, into the connection between my present and past life, it was clear that I was truly genderless.

This broke open so much that I didn’t understand and soon a lot of things in my life started to make a whole lot of sense. The best feeling of all however was that I was fully accepting of my genderless self, it felt good to be this way because I knew this was who I really am.

Since then, I’ve been bouncing around trying to figure some things out, especially how I want to label myself and how others will see me when I explain to them about being agender. I know however that this IS the person I am supposed to be and that my disconnection to femininity wasn’t because I was broken but I don’t relate with gender roles as a whole.

This in turn changed my whole life in a way I thought I would never see it. I’m free to make my own choices as I see fit and not because I have breasts and a vagina, or that I lack them. I make decisions based on what I feel inside and nothing else; I finally reclaimed my real power as a spirit living the human experience. Not just a human living the human experience.

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Vision 29: Freedom

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote anything about my life. Since I left and came back from Zenkaikon, I’m faced with some harsh truths about myself and my life.

Coming back home and becoming settled in my normal reality, I notice that I’m just unsatisfied with the way some things are. Mostly, I speak about how I latch on to spirituality in a way that makes me feel trapped and in a box. I feel that when I’m entrenched in spirituality, I can’t go beyond it’s boundaries. Where I feel like everything related to spirituality is a hard fact or truth when I know it’s not.

I feel bounded by superficial things like oracle cards, readings, charts and just things that keeps me stuck in a certain box. I fight hard to prove to myself that I am different because of some unseen force; I take spirituality as a means to validate that for myself instead of just being who I am.

I take this spirituality thing too seriously, but on a bigger scale I have to move beyond its definitions and meanings. These feelings of entrapment are the same ones that I faced for years, and I see that it’s not just a phrase or because of circumstances. It’s because of my newly found archetype, the “Peter Pan earth angel,” that I can’t stand anything that blocks my freedom in anyway. I am an eternal child that will never grow up and anything that tells me that I have to be in a certain box stresses me to no end. I have to define my own rules and live by my own heart, not by anyone else’s systems. As tempting as it is to have outside validation for who you are, only I can really label myself as who I am in any form that I choose.

The best freedom that I can give myself is the one where I don’t count on others to make me feel like myself. If I feel that something is infringing on my freedom or happiness I have all the right to change so that I am happy and free to do as I please. I can’t live a life where I’m waiting for someone else to grant me my freedom.

I also can’t keep lying to myself and think that being a certain way forever more is what's best for me. I need variety, I need excitement and I need to be free to do what I please without thinking that it will somehow hurt me or others. I think that is the worst of it all. Feeling that somehow It’s better for me to be in the shadow of my true self because it will somehow grant me success in the real world.
That is what I hate the most and what I despise in society. That you can’t be who you are and be successful at the same time. You have to “fake it till you make it” and other bullshit “wisdom” that only breeds the need to wear masks and talk sweet nothings to everyone you meet.

I don’t mind not being totally open all the time, but I do mind when we’re living in a way that only proves our enslavement to the status quo.

I can’t do it anymore and having some time away from the norm, I see where I can improve myself, my life and my real freedom.

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Taking a Trip

I'm going to be leaving for a local anime convention tomorrow, so if you get a reading I won't be able to do it till about a week from now.

Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great night/day and I'll see you very soon!

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Vision 28: My Love List #18

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 My Love List #18

After delaying this for way over a month, I'm finally starting it back up again to increase my positive vibes and energy! I hope you all enjoy!

• I love the crush I have currently, it feels so good to send my loving vibes to someone I have special feelings for!
• I love noticing that I’m loving myself for my weirdness through my crush
• I love my new Herkimer Diamond crystal that gives me really deep insight!
• I love the money class that I’m in and all the wonderful people that are in it
• I love amping up my money vibe, it makes me feel so good!
• I love the freedom that I have every day to do whatever I want!

• I love the yoga video that I do every morning!
• I love learning Korean and watching Korean dramas
• I love my cat Dro because he loves me so much and wants to be around me
• I love the money that I currently have because I know it will turn into something more!

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Vision 27: A Letter to My Mother

I’m quite emotional right now because I know there are a lot of stuff I need to let go of, and one of the most toxic things that needs to be released is my mom’s drinking.

I so bad want to tell her how I feel but I’ve been down that road many times before to no avail. I still hold a lot of emotions, energy and anger towards my mom’s decisions to drink constantly. I tell myself that it’s not as bad as it seems but it is and it destroys me inside every time I see it. All it does is kill whatever shed of harmony that manages to reach this house, destroys the household and keeps us stuck in this perpetual rollercoaster state of emotions. I fucking hate it, I really do and I tried for years to ignore it but I can’t. I just wish my words were more effective to somehow make her see the light but even a major surgery can’t stop her from drinking and smoking so how do I expect myself to do any better?

So I decided to write a letter to my mom about her drinking and how it affects me on a deep level. The things I want to say, scream and just throw in her face. I’m still attached to thinking that I can change her for the better and shift her destiny. I feel like I’m supposed to change her, like it’s my job so I’m saving her from a very ill fate.

I don’t want to see my mom die over alcohol or cigarettes and I’m carrying a huge burden to think that I’m the key to her survival when in fact I have no control over her actions. I still want to be the one that can change her and I’m subconsciously waiting around for that to happen. I’m not letting myself free till I see my mom do better but that is not my choice to make for her. So I’m writing a letter to finally end this toxic relationship, mindset, emotions and just way of being that I am towards my mom.

I want to let go of the anger, the blame and just the chaos that this causes me every day. I want to move forward on a clean slate and holding onto these emotions only keeps me stuck in this one place. I really, honestly want to move on, I don’t want to hold onto these emotions anymore. So I’m ending it all with a letter to let it all go for good…

Dear Mom,

You have no idea how angry you make me feel every time you drink. Your drinking causes nothing but trouble and nothing good ever comes out of it. I question your intelligence every day and your ability to see the consequences of your actions. I literally hate the person you become when you drink and a part of me wishes I can just throw that person over a bridge.

You cause me so much pain in these last few years with your drinking that I feel invisible to you. I honestly don’t know where our relationship stands because it’s been so warped with the constant drinking. All I want is a normal relationship, nothing major or special. You throw that all away every time you drink and I don’t understand why.

Even when I talk to you about how I feel all you do is say “okay” and other useless shit. I want to be compassionate to your situation but I can’t stand but to feel angry and pissed off with your nonchalant ways of dealing with your issues. I feel like you are causing me pain every time you drink so your passiveness to quitting drinking feels like you don’t give a damn about me. It’s like you’re abusing me emotionally and don’t care how it affects me.

Even when daddy was in the house, all it did was cause problems and it was really hard to justify your actions then when daddy was bringing in wine 2-3 times a week. I’m so resentful towards him for that because it’s like he wanted you to feel sorry for yourself and keep you in a drunken state. Not to mention the blowups that happened during that time. The fighting and arguing that came and went into this house was more than I could bare. We all was fighting and it hurt a lot. I still don’t understand why I’m here to experience nothing but trauma, yet have no power to change it. Why be a healer that can’t heal those around you? What is the point of me being here, being born in this family if all I see is hurt, pain and fighting with no way to make it better. Which that in itself causes me a lifetime of stress.

I feel bad for not helping in anyway, but mostly that I can’t share what I feel is right to live a better life. To say to you and sister to stop the drinking and make it clear what it caused so you can see what I see. Maybe speaking up will change things but I’m always proven wrong so I convinced myself to stuff it all down. I feel like I’m choosing to stay quiet while my family destroys themselves when I always felt that I can help. But I have to let go of that thinking and that mindset. I HAVE no control over what you or sister does even if it ends up killing one of you… I can’t have that burden anymore in my heart. I have to set that little girl free…

I’ve been stuck there for a long time and it’s been controlling my life in ways that are just unhealthy and toxic now. I don’t want to keep blaming you, sister or dad for my pain anymore and the reason why my life is chaotic. I don’t want to keep holding myself down with resentment and regrets. Life is a lot bigger than these four walls and everything I’ve seen in it… I have to believe that.

I have to believe and say to my much younger self that I’m not a bad person for letting this go. To decide to have my own family make their own choices without me mentally or emotionally intervening if they truly want to do what they want to do. I want to be happy for you and see you happy, even if it’s not for your highest good. I want to feel good for stepping out of your way and allowing whatever comes from it.

It just hurts me a lot to think I might be making a choice that could potentially hurt you a lot more than life already has. Honestly speaking, I’m scared but I’m ready to take this new stance. I want to allow myself to move on from this and break any toxic ties for good, because at the end it will be good for all of us. I don’t think any of us are happy when we’re in each other’s way stopping each other from what we want to do.

I just don’t want this anymore but something a lot more healing, better and supportive for you. That is all I’m saying. Whatever happened that caused your need to drink I’m really sorry for that and I wish I can change you to what I want you to be, even though that is not fair to you due to freewill. I just want to say that I understand that you NEVER did anything to cause me intentional harm and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I also forgive you and your drinking, I know it’s not to harm me, the house or anyone else that’s been effected by it.

I just want to say that I love you very much and I hope things get better for all of us…

Love,

Your daughter

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Vision 26: Emotional Independence

In this past weekend a lot has been revealed to me. Things that I feel are one of the most important things in being a human being in this world, especially when you have a family.

It started when I posted in the money course Facebook group about positive focus and accountability, in fact I should post that up when I have the time, it’s really good stuff. Anyway, a fellow member posted about her experience of feeling emotionally codependent on her family, to the point she had no clue what to do with her life if she had to do things on her own. I totally resonated with her experience because I too feel greatly affected by my family’s moods and emotions. A lot of the time, I’m on the same emotional level as they are so when things are good then I’m good, but when things are bad then I feel like total shit.

But the real a-ha moment that I found in response to her experience is that I associate a lot of my life with my family. A good example of this is that I feel I have to cater to them so they can improve themselves so that I can be successful. Or that I can’t be independent, free or be able to do what I want till my harsh family issues are healed. And basically, I feel that no matter what I do, my family is attached to me. So if I succeed then my family succeeds and things will be better, but if I fail than my whole family will go down with me. This causes a lot of stress and confusion in my life. I don’t understand where my life starts or ends, because I’m not the one calling the shots. I feel like I’m doing it all for my family (or we’re working as one unit) to the point that my own self is absorbed in it all.

This makes me feel anxious, stressed, confused, controlled and smothered. In fact, I feel way less motivated to do what I want to do (or even what my family desires out of me) when I feel this way, compared to when I feel independent and free to do whatever it is that I want. I didn’t see it till yesterday but this is completely unhealthy! And I lived this way for many years… I think this is one of the major issues I need to heal in myself. To lay down and apply emotional and mental boundaries with my family.

This made me see the truth that I want more money in my life to distance myself from my family and to feel free to do what it is that I want. I would call it having more freedom but what I really want is my own life outside of my family or a part of my life that I don’t have to share with them; a part of my life that whether I succeed or fail won’t affect them in anyway. I don’t want to be attached to the hip with my family for the rest of my life. At the same time I feel confused because it feels selfish to want this as well. As if I’m not supporting my family.

I’ll be honest that this is a lot to think about, more than I’ve ever considered when it comes to my family. For years I felt that I was meant to heal them so that I could move on to bigger and better things. After my reawakening of my true self, I realized how my mission in life got warped in thinking I had to heal them before the world. Thinking it was my job to heal them and make them better bounded me here even when I wanted to leave and move far away. I still entertain that possibility even when I was told many MANY times that I can’t change my family or the negativity they choose to engage in.

I guess a part of me didn’t know how to let go because of this powerful mental and emotional connection. But, through this money class I’m seeing unmatched proof that I am my own person that can affect my own future without my family being on board in all ways. I saw that distance between me and my family widened and what I can really do in my life. It’s a nice feeling even after I pretty much fell off the wagon a bit.

Seeing this however, I have a better idea of what I’m working with and how I can shift it because it’s what I need to do to move on. Not for my family’s sake but for solely myself…

Also, check out my newest reading where I create an artist trading card of your angel and give you guidance that you need to hear right now!

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