Vision 58: Frustrated

I haven’t been treating myself the best lately. I’ve been staying up too late and waking up so early that my body can’t keep up energy wise.

I always had a bad habit of not going to bed at a reasonable time but for some reason right now, I’m feeling it big time. I don’t enjoy waking up and I have no energy. I literally just want to go back to sleep no sooner I get up. This is a huge problem for me now because it’s feeding my anxiety and I’m completely at odds with it.

A part of me wants to get more sleep in the day, to relax more and let go while the more rigid part of me feels like I’m being lazy or unworthy because I need the extra rest. I even broke out of my rut by sleeping in and straying away from my normal routine last week but I’m dying to go back into it this week. I feel like a small child just wanting to be in the safety of his mother. And that’s what it boils down too, safety.

I don’t feel safe without knowing what to expect living here, I’ve always been that way. When I don’t have a routine I feel out of control, I feel like the world is going to spin out of orbit and anything that I want or desire will never come to me. I guess you can say I feel stuck indefinitely unless I move or do something. Honestly, thinking about it rationally it doesn’t make much sense, it’s just my mind saying that but that’s not what is actually happening. I think I’m like this because I don’t have much control over my family and they produce a lot of stress especially when they’re drinking.

Not too long ago I discovered that 80% of my issues and limited beliefs had stemmed from my family and a negative environment. It’s rare for me to get to the core of an issue of whatever I’m dealing with now that has something to do with something someone else did or said to me outside of my home. Everything starts here, at home and while I’m doing my best to reverse the effects of what it has done to me for years I still have pockets of struggle. I’m hoping my anxiety can ease and that my mind can rest without triggers that sends me back to my default mode. I love my family and appreciate whatever shitty path that it gave me but I’m frankly tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of always looking behind me, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of being stressed because someone else is being stressed.

I long for solitude from it all and to be in my own energy. Most times I find the most calm when I’m by myself because I have no one else to worry about. Plus a lot of what goes on here is out of my control but I’m so hung up with trying to control myself in a way that makes everyone else happy that I simply fall into feelings of fear. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster that I can’t get off of and I’m desperately trying my best to just find something I can hang on to.

I want to be content, I want to be okay with everything that is going on while maintaining my peace but I want to rip my skin off and jump outside my body. I’m dying for more peace and to be away from everything that stresses me out that has nothing to do with me. I’m tired of trying to be happy and serene when it feels like everything around me brings constant obstacles. I feel super frustrated and I don’t think I’ve been expressing those feelings enough lately, I’ve just been trying to “flow” with it all but I’m not saying what I truly feel so all that energy just stays locked within me.

Yes, I’m frustrated, I haven’t been sleeping like I should and I sometimes hate living with my family and wish to move so far away from here. I feel like I’m bitching over nothing but if I don’t have compassion for myself then it is no use to others either. My feelings are valid even if I’m saying them out of anger, I’m saying it because I’m angry and I’m angry because I haven’t been expressing myself because of the constant swinging of emotions I’ve been dealing with lately.

I just want to be at peace, I just want to be alone, I want to live alone where I’m never bothered by the constant bullshit. And I’m sick of judging myself for being frustrated and angry because I believe other people’s possible opinions of my own situation and circumstances is more valid than my own first hand experience. Again, more mental bullshit that is irrational but my brain is so quick to make it real so it feels like it’s happening when I’m completely fine. *sigh*

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Vision 57: Owning It

I feel good. I feel good because I’m not just finally owning my worth as a person, but I’m owning up to my purpose. For years I wanted to get back into drawing like I used to do, but somehow I would never fully commit myself to it. Honestly, all those times I did try I wasn’t really committed at all.

I wasn’t committed because I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it because it felt like an obligation.

I had to be better, I had to start drawing again because if I didn’t, it would be a waste of talent, time and energy. It didn’t feel good at all, because I was making myself feel bad due to the lack of drawing I was doing. I’m seeing the reason for that a lot clearer now. It wasn’t because I stopped drawing as much, but I wasn’t valuing myself as I was. I felt that I, myself, as a person had no value but my talent in drawing did.

So I was trying to make myself draw so that I could feel valuable and that I had “something” to do and give in this world. My art then wasn’t about my own happiness but what I felt others saw in me. I didn’t feel good about myself, I blamed myself for a lot of things. A lot happened in the last five years and during that time all I did was make myself feel bad for not doing or being better, so of course everything I did was for me to make up for it all.

But my art was probably my biggest victim of all, I downgraded it to almost nothing so I barely had that, so when I tried to get back into drawing again, of course it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough to draw, it felt like a luxury to be drawing. I dared to have fun again doing something I love than slaving at a business, job or something else that only caused me suffering. It took a very long time for me to realize how much I degraded myself and my own worth and how that effected my artistic self. Granted, when I was drawing full-time I had a lot of issues that stemmed from the same thing, unworthiness, but this time instead of effecting what I drew, it simply started to wipe that part of me away. And I honestly had no idea what to do. I didn’t know what to think or how to fix it.

No matter how much I would try drawing on a normal basis it just didn’t stick, no matter how many ideas I had, how much confidence I had at the time, or motivation. I just couldn’t get myself to feel “good,” truly good in drawing again. I thought it was my lack of determination and other shit like that, but it was actually a very deep emotional call and innocence I wasn’t looking at. The value of being me, the value of being a person in this world, and just the value of existing and how much of a miracle I am. I didn’t think of myself as a miracle but a person that would try really hard but fuck up every time.

Because of that thought process, naturally I made drawing something that was too good for me. I knew how valuable it was and even made my art match the unworthiness I thought I was. I truly felt that I wasn’t good enough to draw and even if I did, my art wasn’t worth much as a result so of course no matter how hard I tried drawing and being an artist, it wouldn’t stick for me.

Even then, I knew how valuable my actual ability, talent and potential was. I knew deep inside that if I could connect with that spirit I would be unstoppable but knowing how great I could be in a place where I felt so low, I couldn’t see myself actually being that. It just didn’t make sense and I played out that exact role and didn’t own my purpose, my art, my creativity fully, my talents or my artistic abilities. I knew how much I could do but I was so convinced that I was nothing more than a failure I just let myself be that then challenge something that I was used too. Thank god though, I’m growing out of it.

After being reconnected fully to my life purpose and really making myself “see” it for what it is. I’m ready to own it. Full time, no bullshit;  let’s go to the moon, no rockets. I feel worthy now, I feel good enough to draw and own my artistic potential and then some. I want to do this, I feel it inside and it’s so different now than it ever was. I’m truly wanting and ready to own my purpose, my talent and what I’m made for in this world and I’m not willing for anyone, even myself to stop me. I’m ready, I’m willing and I’m doing it. I’m owning it…

I’m owning it now.

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Vision 56: Love List #67

1. I love being an artist, I love that this is my path!
2. Thank you for the path that is being laid out for me, it feels so exciting!
3. Thank you for the money that supports me in my path, I love my new money relationship!
4. I love the feeling of ease when it comes to my purpose, it feels effortless!
5. I love creating my reality and making it what I want it to be
6. I love being the creator of my reality!
7. I love being in control of what I experience in my life
8. I love the freedom of being all of who I am
9. I enjoy my self-expression in my art!
10. Thank you for my blessing of being an artist!

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Vision 55: Sailor Mini Moon

 

My drawing of Rini from Sailor Moon that I did today

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Vision 54: Love List #65

 

1. I’m so grateful for the artist manifesto that I created through my inspiration!
2. Thank you George for showing me my life’s purpose!
3. Thank you universe for being there for me!
4. Thank you for this awesome feeling!
5. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful wisdom I’ve been gaining lately!
6. Thank you for this awesome computer!
7. Thank you for the best days to come and my constant growing ease
8. Thank you for the money I do have it’s more than enough
9. I’m so grateful for all the love I feel for myself, I love myself unconditionally!
10. Thank you for the abundance that is all around me like money, food and water it’s more than enough!

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Vision 53: Artist Manifesto

 

I want to be an artist because it feels good to create the images in my mind. It feels good to recreate the things I see. I love creating the stories in my head and coloring the pictures I make.

I love making themed things and looking at my drawings and creations. It feels good to morph and shape my pencil sketches with my pens and see the personality of the picture come alive. I love making things that are meaningful to me. I love drawing and being inspired in the moment.

I love creating things that I see outside of me and making them more real in my mind. I love following my inspiration and making characters that are pretty. I love pretty pictures, I love making pretty pictures the most. I love the magic of making a picture pretty, sweet, happy and serene. I love making pretty pictures so much that it's all I want to draw. I want to draw sweet pictures that always makes me feel joy 100% of the time. I love the feeling of making sweet pictures, I love knowing that I make sweet pictures, I love knowing that I’m the one that makes pictures like these. I feel inspired to do more every day. I feel inspired to create more color in my life. I feel more inspired to create from that inspiration.

I want to be an artist because it feels good to me. It feels like my path of least resistance. It’s what gives me joy every day, it makes me really awesome friends. It gives me inspiration to live life more. It gives me ease and a relaxed feeling. It comforts me and I get to express myself.

I love expressing myself. I love creating from my experience. I love knowing that I can create from my experience. I love the feeling of what it feels like to create from my experiences. I love looking at all the art I done. I love seeing how well I did it. I love seeing how I improved. I love feeling the rush of how good it feels to be an artist right here in the moment. It feels good to have that super power. It feels good to know that this will become more.

I love that people see me drawing and love it too. I love that other people love what I love. I love that connection to my source through my work. I love the rush of inspiration. I love that becoming of more of who I am. I want to be an artist because I love it and I can’t stop thinking about it every day. I have to be an artist because that is all that I want to know and do know no matter what I do in this world.

I want to be an artist because it makes me feel really good and I have no excuses not to feel good. I want to be an artist because it’s what I love. I want to draw because it’s what I enjoy and love about being an artist. I want to draw because I can do it. I want to draw because it flows. I want to be an artist because it feels big, huge and I’m already am that.

I want to draw but I am afraid. I’m afraid because I feel like I have to be huge and I don’t feel that I am right here at this moment. I don’t feel huge, but I still feel like an artist. I feel like an artist because I do art all the time in so many different ways. I still draw lots and it’s always become more and more.

I love that no one cares what I draw but me and that I can take control what I draw in every moment. I’m blessed to become an artist, even though I have my ups and downs. I wouldn’t change anything because I love being an artist so much and changing my reality to what I see in my mind.

Being an artist is just being creative and I’m very creative, so I haven’t stopped drawing completely. I’m still creating every day and I’m really good at it. It makes me feel good to see all the creations that I make, see and feel. I’m so happy to be an artist because I’m blessed with the ability to create. I’m blessed I can make the images that I love on the computer. I’m blessed because I can do it. I’m blessed because that is my path, this is what I came here for. This feels right to me. It feels like effortlessness. It feels like it’s calling me gently. It wants me to be there but it’s not forceful. It wants that lovely connection with me. It wants me to connect to it. It wants me to be inspired. It wants me to create whatever I want. It wants me to feel safe. It wants me to be here, right now in this moment to just love and adore myself for being an artist and to know that is my life’s journey and that I enjoy being an artist.

It wants me to just know and to feel it and to just enjoy it. It wants me to love me as an artist and to love my ability to do it.

That’s all, that’s it.

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Vision 52: Being Selfish

My mood has been up and down lately. I just want to be alone and I can’t tolerate anyone else’s opinion or company at the moment. My mood has been shaky for about a week dealing with certain things from other people that I rather not be bothered with.

Even this morning I felt the annoyance to be alive again and to be in a house with other people. When I dived into these emotions and the root cause of them, I noticed that I was taken in other people’s stuff. Energy, moods, or whatever, I was no longer being solely focused on me but focused on again, my family’s emotional states and how they feel. I also was feeling guilty for my own procrastination, rage towards the puppy and other things that simply doesn’t matter.

I’m learning that, giving a fuck in any sense of the word puts you last on “who’s important list.” I’ve been living in a way by trying to follow other people’s rules and standards, seeking to prove to the world that I was truly “a good and hardworking person.” Thinking somehow proving that will get me somewhere in life and hopefully happiness and success.

Being there for people, caring about others and their opinion and trying to make everyone happy is great and all but shouldn’t be the goal in life. It’s honestly, fucking bullshit. Instead, I rather be selfish and think about myself most of the time and having everyone else come second.

Learning to be selfish and not have everyone else come first in my life has probably been the best personal lesson I’ve learned this year. When I finally made myself the most important person in the world and strive to make me happy instead of my family, life started to click like magic. Things I wanted to do started to actually happen, I became happier with my own life and soon I started to heal from my own self-criticism and doubt that I wasn’t owning up to some fucked up ideal by society.

The best part of being selfish is that I no longer care or take stock (as much) in other people’s opinions. I let people be whoever they choose to be. I’m no longer trying to play the savior role for my family, I let their lives be on them for better or for worst. What is more important now is how I’m doing and what is best for me.

Also, I don’t invalidate myself simply because I don’t feel qualified or another person has a different opinion. I follow my gut instincts and I follow my own truth a lot more now with much of success. Because of that I’m no longer as afraid to go after the things I want or need. It also shows that most people have no idea what is right for me, but only knows what is right for them. No wonder I burned out so much being in my 20’s, I was listening to ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE and never to myself.

I’ve learned as well that I don’t want to share my life with anyone. At one point all I wanted is to have a relationship but now I’m even more happy being by myself! Having a boyfriend means my life has to change or somehow I have to focus my time on another person and I don’t want to do that. I also felt that having a lover will give me the feelings and needs I couldn’t give myself. THANK GOD I woke up from that dream and started to give myself the self-love that only I can provide because once I did that the desire to have a partner went away.

Now I’m wanting to just be by myself, enjoy myself, take care of me and not have “anyone else” matter. I feel like I’ve gotten the relationship with myself that I always wanted and needed. It feels good not to care and to know that I have all the answers. It feels good to know that I can do anything without the next person’s advice or opinion. It feels good to put myself first above everyone in my life and finally give myself a voice and live by its truth.

It’s great to be selfish and I believe true selfishness is the key to success in this world because you won’t let yourself be brought down by everyone around you. You make yourself valuable, validated, worthy and simply so important that you won’t let anyone get in the way of your happiness, not even yourself!

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