Vision 73: New Year Feelings

 

I feel rather confused right now. Sometimes it feels as if I’m demanding way more out of myself than what I can actually produce.

There are so many things I want to do and I’m thinking a lot about the things I want to clear out before the year ends but I’m starting to stress myself out for really no reason. I have to calm down, even though the year is ending, my life isn’t perfect and won’t be magically perfect on the turn of the new year. No matter how much time and effort I try to put into “getting all my ducks in a row” life will always be a dynamic force, it simply doesn’t go by logic, the things we intend to “plan” in a way that seems right to us.

More often than not, I learned that what we see in our minds on the way things should be (or shouldn’t be) is rarely what we get “exactly,” life is so strange that we can trick ourselves out of anything we want because of this attachment to be right or perfect. For me, this year has provided a very important fact, I can’t know it all right in this red hot minute. In fact, the things that I need to do came right when I needed it, rarely I get the whole plan 2 weeks in advance.

Despite the readings I can do about the future, we’re in a present based world, if you’re not focus on the now, you’ll miss the opportunities; you can’t plan opportunities. It’s more of an art of being in the right place at the right time, and that happens when you’re not nitpicking a future event, trying to think it through as if it will go exactly as you imagine. When you just plan lightly and go for it, you’ll often get a lot more out of life and all of its offerings.

I admittedly haven’t been so keen on that wisdom lately with my roller coaster feelings dealing with the alcoholism in my family. I’m still trying to “fix” everything and trying to bang everything into place in my mind before I feel secure. Doing this is making me lose myself and what is really important in my own life, which is following my intuition and creative spirit.

I just get too sucked into my family’s negativity and unhappiness and not enough of my own well-being and life. It’s not worth getting so bent out of shape over everyone else’s failure to make themselves happy, because I’m not getting any benefits from it anyway.

Anyway, I think the point is that I’m obsessing over something that doesn’t matter that much which is trying to massively clear out everything to make my new year the perfect starting gate. I didn’t have that last year and my year went way better than I expected so I need to chill out. The most I really need to do, is simply list the things I want to focus my well-being on. In a lot of ways lately, I feel that I am going backwards, again trying to solve everything in a solar manner when I need to go within my lunar side where the real answers are.

I haven’t been connecting to that place for a while and it shows. It’s been a safe, nurturing place but I have forgotten to really connect and stay there. I’m becoming more hard, logical and action oriented all over again which isn’t my true place of power.

Writing this out really helped me sort out my feelings. Being able to write how I feel makes life a lot more manageable because I don’t have to hold everything in 24/7. I feel a lot better to move forward into the next year simply listing the things I want to come to life. Not try to fix everything on my own…

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Vision 72: Clearing Ceremony

Last week was the first time that I held a clearing ceremony. Something that I thought would be too much trouble and work, I decided to throw into my normal routine after being guided to do so by a follow reader. I had to meditate on my issues that I wanted to clear, to really embody the energies that I wanted to be omitted.

It didn’t take much for me to get started, with my family’s drinking and all the dysfunction that I faced over the years, a lot of hurt and resentment hangs around me daily. This clearing ceremony, my focus was to move past my own very old feelings that I held towards my family for years, so that I can finally move on. It takes a lot to hold so much in but when you live with alcoholics life isn’t as simple nor so cut and dry. Everything is generally very confusing.

Anyway, when I wrote my letter to burn I realized a couple of things. First, my value is NOT based on my family or their choices. Deep inside for a very long time I thought that I had no real value because I had nothing to give. I couldn’t save my family or make things better so that showed who I was. But that is not true. I also realized earlier this year that my dad installed in me that I had very little value, and I was living off of that programing but I’ve been changing that around.

Second, my very own success, the success that only I have access too, has nothing to do with my family or background. For many years I assumed that for me to be successful I had to be “perfect,” I couldn’t have a dysfunctional family or at least live with one. But that isn’t true either. My success has nothing to do with my family or where I come from.

Third, trying to be Mr. Perfect and Right is stopping me from living my own life. When you live with alcoholism you’re bound to treat things in a very drastic manner because your whole life lives by that philosophy. When things are wrong and hurtful it truly takes a different form because this is your life constantly being disrupted, you have no real peace. And being the only one that doesn’t drink I put it on myself to right wrongs and make my family “better.” I assumed that I was the only one that can do this so much so that I started living in a very ridged manner.  Everything became very distorted. I knew what I wanted and I really knew about what I didn’t want. So I was very determined to eliminate any possible hiccups or obstacles towards my goal of perfection and escape this horrible family dynamic.

This caused me to be so hyper critical towards myself and others that I killed my own motivation to try to truly improve myself among other things.  I just didn’t hold a lot of compassion towards myself at the end of the day which made everything that much harder.

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Vision 71: Listing Small Successes

With the New Year approaching, I’m thinking a lot about the past 12 months and what I want to do in the next 12. With this year almost over I’ve learned that my greatest joy is my art, drawing and design. It’s something that I want to fill my life with every day for the rest of my days. With this wonderful feeling inside, what I’m planning to do is raise my success vibration and energy so I can manifest my artistic dreams!

My First List of Small Successes

• I’m starting to get how to shade a face realistically.
• I'm believing I’m worth something after many years of not feeling that way.
• I’m getting a lot better at drawing different faces.
• I have a lot of inspiration lately!
• I feel like drawing a lot.
• I found an awesome movie that really inspired me, Big Hero Six!
• Instead of making a necklace for my stone I just put it in my bra to receive the same benefits.
• I’m learning that I can choose to make things easier for myself.
• I’m seeing the opportunities and possibilities for my artistic success!
• I’m drawing Hiro a lot which really makes me happy, I’m learning every day to stay focused on what makes me happy.

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Vision 70: Starting Something New

I’m afraid to start something new, to try something that is actually pretty good for me. But I’m afraid to start and see what happens. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, or people won’t care or want what I put out. I’m afraid of myself not really being who I am going towards what I’m being called to do.

It’s scary sometimes to want something so bad that you’ll actually self-sabotage every time you get close to it. You’ll pump yourself up, get excited, actually prepare, but once it’s time to make that jump… You’ll back out, make excuses and just flake out for whatever reason. I’m seeing and feeling that in myself right now.

I want to draw more, explore my artistic style, draw different things and start commissions but I’m having a moment. That moment when I look at what’s ahead and see potentially what I need or should do. I start overthinking it, trying to over plan, trying to make everything fit into place and once I’m in that space long enough, I decide that I’m not ready or I need more time and slowly go back into my cave. I guess when I put it that way, there isn’t much to be afraid of. I guess the thing I’m most afraid of is failing.

But if I don’t start at all then that is worse than failing, it’s me not even believing in myself enough to start. And I do believe I can do this and all the artistic pursuits I want to experience, I really do. I guess perfection is on my heels once again, wanting to prove something to all the invisible voices and people in my head… The funny part about that is I don’t need to prove anything, I don’t even need a good reason for starting to pursue my purpose and my bliss.

This is something I want because I want it, I’m not doing this solely for fame, fortune or popularity. Though I do recognize I want all of those things eventually from my purpose it’s not the reason I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I don’t know what’s going to happen, I just have this happy feeling in my stomach and this urge to get started. When I start thinking about all the right moves that I might need to make, that magic starts to disappear. It’s really not that fun anymore when I try to know what’s going to happen and how.

It’s not an adventure if there is certainty to it. What makes struggle a struggle is that you’re uncertain and unhappy about it, you don’t know what’s going to happen. But with an adventure, you’re uncertain but happy and excited about it because you don’t know what’s going to happen or what you’ll have to do to reach your goal. That is the difference between an adventure and a struggle.

That is what my guide said to me while I was on my walk yesterday, when he said it, it really captured me and the way I see things. The reason I’ve been exploring and taking more risks was for the adventure of it, not because I was certain of how it would go. In fact, it was the excitement of seeing how it will all fall into place and me simply experiencing the things that I wanted to do that made me do it in the first place.

This is really no different, it’s an exciting adventure that I’m being called to but if I’m not willing to just go and be happy and see how it goes, it’ll become a struggle. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I’m not here to achieve a goal, but to experience life and there is no certainty in life so I minds enjoy the adventure of it all.

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Vision 69: Big Hero Six

Last week I saw the movie Big Hero Six and I freak’n adored that movie so much along with Hiro and Baymax. I feel the movie gave me a really important gift of artistic inspiration, fun and a huge boost of imagination. Ever since I saw the movie I couldn’t really stop thinking about it. The setting was a unique blend of San Fran and Tokyo, I love Hiro’s friends and the relationship that Hiro had with Baymax.

There is something about relationships involving humans and robots that I can’t get enough of. Maybe it’s because robots don’t have emotions yet, this unspoken affection can still be felt. Or something that supposed to be cold and monotone is lovable, approachable and even funny. Maybe I just like movies, shows or whatever about a being, robot or not, learning about the real world. I can even go as far as to say I somewhat identify with it because often times I still feel like I’m trying to figure the world (and more so my society) out sometimes.

Either way, it really gave me that gentle boost to pick up the pencil (mostly tablet pen) and start drawing how I was feeling inside my head. It felt so natural I was starting to think that maybe I won’t backslide on my drawing anymore, that maybe this is the one fandom or muse that will bring me to where I was as far as drawing habits.

I think it is and I’m feeling really good about it (for the first time ever I’m looking up headcannons for a movie). I even drew Hiro (he’s so damn cute) yesterday and I’m really proud of what I made. It’s simple, was fun to do and I didn’t struggle a whole lot. It was to me how drawing is supposed to be, fun and lighthearted because if it’s not fun then we shouldn’t be doing it.

I even felt content, happy and in the present enjoying myself doing two things I really love, drawing and listening to music. It was the feeling place and experience I needed to let me know how I want most of my life to go. The feeling I want to have most of all.

And it felt really good…

This is what I have so far in my Hiro picture

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Vision 68: Resentment

We often think by being spiritual we have to have an “enlightened” outlook on everything. That we must show the world love and peace at every moment. That when things get tough, we must show resilience and faith no matter what.

When it comes to my family, my thoughts isn’t exactly that. I’m fearful a lot, paranoid, nervous, anxious and stubbornly unloving. I noticed that in my countless attempts to “love” my family in their drunken state, I end up in the world of feeling guilty and like a bad person. I feel like a bad person because of this unspoken rule that spiritual people must take higher ground and pretend that the world around them isn’t as hurtful or painful to them as the average person. Of course right? I’m spiritual, so that means this “earthy” stuff doesn’t matter and I can just simply love and light my way out of everything and not feel bad.

That is so far from the truth it’s not even funny…

This is a myth, a fantasy even to any person that wants to find everlasting peace. To be in peace and have nothing disturb that no matter what. But the truth is that I’m hurting… A lot in fact, and by trying to “love” what my family continues to do that causes me seemingly endless pain is making me feel crazy.

Crazy in the sense that I am hurting, feel unheard in it and somehow I have to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Because I have to be strong and whatever, yet I feel a whole different kind of pain from that too. That feeling angry, resentful, pissed the fuck off and hateful is wrong and “inappropriate” for a person like me, because I am so loving and “spiritual.” I tell myself a lot that being spiritual has nothing do with how I feel, but what I believe in and my view of the world, but I’m not walking that talk.

I beat up on myself a lot just for feeling anger and resentment, but that does nothing to change anything especially in myself.

So I decided to just hate, be resentful and simply not love them in their drunken state (or whenever they are being assholes). Trying to love my way out of this causes me more pain because I’m ignoring my own REAL AND TRUE emotions. I don’t feel heard when I feel pressured to do just “love” my way out of a situation or my feelings. It’s unrealistic and even harmful…

I simply can’t love them the way they act sometimes, that’s as honest as it gets. I love them when they’re sober and I hate them when they’re drunk, and that feels way better than pretending that I’m not dying inside every other day when I have to deal with it.

Sometimes the best way to get through a bad situation is to just to get through it, because let’s face it, trying to go around the mountain might take a lot longer than just facing it head on and being done with it. Not to say that struggle should be the road we take always (quite the opposite) but it’s easier to be honest with yourself. Feeling the way I feel, validating my emotions by accepting them, letting them process and leave on their own as opposed to stuffing them down or throwing rosy bullshit on top of them feels good to me.

This by no means that I’ll someday love my family when they're drunk even after these feelings are gone, but it does gives me the freedom to not be held back by them (my emotions) because of my family’s shitty choices for themselves.

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Vision 67: The Top Three Fears a Lightworker Must Face to Change The World

I am what you call a lightworker, and to me, a lightworker is simply a person that has an innate passion and purpose to make a better, thriving planet.

From my teen years in high school, enmeshed in my spiritual and psychic arts, I often wondered about my purpose and “what was the point” of me being so passionate about learning it. Deep inside I knew there was something special I was meant to do, because it didn’t make sense for me to have this passion without it being a part of something bigger that I would use it for.

A few years later, when I discovered my channeling ability I asked my guide “What is my purpose?” It was the burning question I’ve been wanting to ask for many many years, however I wasn’t ready for the answer. My guide told me that my purpose was to change the world and even though it felt like my feelings were confirmed about having something special to do on this planet, fear fogged my vision on how to exactly do that.

It took me about 6 six years to not just deal with my fears about my life purpose but to accept this special task I know I chose to do before I got here on this planet.

So I want to talk about this for other lightworkers, game changers, misfits, non-conformists, healers or any person that might be dealing with the major fears that come with facing your special mission and purpose on this planet.

So let’s begin on the top three fears a lightworker must face before they can “truly” change the world!

Am I Qualified?

This is something that all people, lightworker or not face when it comes to doing something they are passionate about. More often than not, we DON’T feel qualified for our life purpose and to change the world. We hold such high visions on what life should be for us and the planet, it seems like a huge stretch to make it happen. It seems like we must do everything “right now” to get it all done, which is often stressful and nerve-wracking for sensitive people. Even more so, other people around you might not “get it” either which compounds the feelings of not being qualified, supported or being able to do it.

Being qualified has nothing to do with being able to do everything in this red hot minute, or to prove a point, but being able to step on your path despite feeling unqualified and knowing that the path will unfold underneath your feet along the way.

It's probable you'll have no idea what the road will look like. You don’t know the journey you’ll have to take, the people you will meet and the smaller tasks you will take on before you’ll reach your destination. But that is the point, your life purpose has nothing to do with reaching a certain point in your life, it’s happening now, right at this moment. So there is no need to over prepare or to feel “qualified” first before you go and change the planet for the better. Your power comes from the present moment, your life purpose is happening now and if you’re not doing it now, then it’s not unfolding now. You don’t have to have anyone’s permission, say so, or a piece of paper to start doing it, just do it and I promise you, you’ll be guided to everything you’ll need, right when you need it.

Being Powerful

This is a huge one, a fear that I know all lightworkers face at some point. I feared power because I thought it was abusive and immoral based on my past experiences. I didn’t want to hurt people so I didn’t want to be powerful, this caused me to always downplay myself and my talents for many years. The catch is that no one benefits from that thinking, I can’t make the difference I want to make if I don’t access the true power inside me to do it. Other people won’t be moved or as greatly effected either because I chose to give up my power. In fact, I’m more likely to attract “powerful” people that will take advantage and use me because of that subconscious belief which makes me feel weak and defeated as if I never had power to begin with.

However, I learned that true power isn’t physical or aggressive, it’s an energy and spirit that can be felt by words, intention, compassion and even a gentle touch or expression. It’s a knowing and convection that stands the test of time that no matter what, you stand for what you believe in. That type of energy moves mountains, an abusive power can only move one person.

Rejection and Loss

This comes with being powerful as well, being rejected by others, singled out, ridiculed, being envied or jealous of. We fear that if we’re “powerful” people won’t love us, we’ll be so strong that we’ll somehow push others away, as well as be the target for envious people to “steal our light.”

This is an all too common fear that is linked to scarcity thinking, as if we were to become more aligned to who we are then what we have will leave us. The long and short of it is that, yes, people are easily threaten by those that are more powerful, but on the other side of the coin there are so many others that just as easily will love you BECAUSE you are being authentic. And yes, things will change because you’re accessing your true strength, you just won’t live life the same way when you’re in tune with your personal power.

With that being said, you simply can’t expect to fully express your purpose, to heal others, be a brilliant way shower or effect people in a great way without tapping into your true power and grace. You just won’t have that effect because your strength will be the very thing that will move people to change, tears and to their own power and light.

Love is much more powerful than fear, when you’re healing the planet feeling and knowing love in your being, it’s easy, but if you have to push through fear it will be a bumpy and rough ride. Fear of any kind only weighs you down and limits your power as who you are.

To be powerful requires a decision to be powerful despite the risks. Just like you chose to not be powerful, it’s a choice that you make every day in every moment of time to be the core opposite.

Ending Thoughts

At the end of the day you do have a special purpose but it requires your love, power and strength to carry it out because you chose to do this and you knew that you had all the power in the world and then some to achieve it. So let’s stop playing pretend and entertaining other’s visions of who you should be, start working with the truth and deal with these fears so you can finally be who you are and change the world as you intended!

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