Vision 27: A Letter to My Mother

I’m quite emotional right now because I know there are a lot of stuff I need to let go of, and one of the most toxic things that needs to be released is my mom’s drinking.

I so bad want to tell her how I feel but I’ve been down that road many times before to no avail. I still hold a lot of emotions, energy and anger towards my mom’s decisions to drink constantly. I tell myself that it’s not as bad as it seems but it is and it destroys me inside every time I see it. All it does is kill whatever shed of harmony that manages to reach this house, destroys the household and keeps us stuck in this perpetual rollercoaster state of emotions. I fucking hate it, I really do and I tried for years to ignore it but I can’t. I just wish my words were more effective to somehow make her see the light but even a major surgery can’t stop her from drinking and smoking so how do I expect myself to do any better?

So I decided to write a letter to my mom about her drinking and how it affects me on a deep level. The things I want to say, scream and just throw in her face. I’m still attached to thinking that I can change her for the better and shift her destiny. I feel like I’m supposed to change her, like it’s my job so I’m saving her from a very ill fate.

I don’t want to see my mom die over alcohol or cigarettes and I’m carrying a huge burden to think that I’m the key to her survival when in fact I have no control over her actions. I still want to be the one that can change her and I’m subconsciously waiting around for that to happen. I’m not letting myself free till I see my mom do better but that is not my choice to make for her. So I’m writing a letter to finally end this toxic relationship, mindset, emotions and just way of being that I am towards my mom.

I want to let go of the anger, the blame and just the chaos that this causes me every day. I want to move forward on a clean slate and holding onto these emotions only keeps me stuck in this one place. I really, honestly want to move on, I don’t want to hold onto these emotions anymore. So I’m ending it all with a letter to let it all go for good…

Dear Mom,

You have no idea how angry you make me feel every time you drink. Your drinking causes nothing but trouble and nothing good ever comes out of it. I question your intelligence every day and your ability to see the consequences of your actions. I literally hate the person you become when you drink and a part of me wishes I can just throw that person over a bridge.

You cause me so much pain in these last few years with your drinking that I feel invisible to you. I honestly don’t know where our relationship stands because it’s been so warped with the constant drinking. All I want is a normal relationship, nothing major or special. You throw that all away every time you drink and I don’t understand why.

Even when I talk to you about how I feel all you do is say “okay” and other useless shit. I want to be compassionate to your situation but I can’t stand but to feel angry and pissed off with your nonchalant ways of dealing with your issues. I feel like you are causing me pain every time you drink so your passiveness to quitting drinking feels like you don’t give a damn about me. It’s like you’re abusing me emotionally and don’t care how it affects me.

Even when daddy was in the house, all it did was cause problems and it was really hard to justify your actions then when daddy was bringing in wine 2-3 times a week. I’m so resentful towards him for that because it’s like he wanted you to feel sorry for yourself and keep you in a drunken state. Not to mention the blowups that happened during that time. The fighting and arguing that came and went into this house was more than I could bare. We all was fighting and it hurt a lot. I still don’t understand why I’m here to experience nothing but trauma, yet have no power to change it. Why be a healer that can’t heal those around you? What is the point of me being here, being born in this family if all I see is hurt, pain and fighting with no way to make it better. Which that in itself causes me a lifetime of stress.

I feel bad for not helping in anyway, but mostly that I can’t share what I feel is right to live a better life. To say to you and sister to stop the drinking and make it clear what it caused so you can see what I see. Maybe speaking up will change things but I’m always proven wrong so I convinced myself to stuff it all down. I feel like I’m choosing to stay quiet while my family destroys themselves when I always felt that I can help. But I have to let go of that thinking and that mindset. I HAVE no control over what you or sister does even if it ends up killing one of you… I can’t have that burden anymore in my heart. I have to set that little girl free…

I’ve been stuck there for a long time and it’s been controlling my life in ways that are just unhealthy and toxic now. I don’t want to keep blaming you, sister or dad for my pain anymore and the reason why my life is chaotic. I don’t want to keep holding myself down with resentment and regrets. Life is a lot bigger than these four walls and everything I’ve seen in it… I have to believe that.

I have to believe and say to my much younger self that I’m not a bad person for letting this go. To decide to have my own family make their own choices without me mentally or emotionally intervening if they truly want to do what they want to do. I want to be happy for you and see you happy, even if it’s not for your highest good. I want to feel good for stepping out of your way and allowing whatever comes from it.

It just hurts me a lot to think I might be making a choice that could potentially hurt you a lot more than life already has. Honestly speaking, I’m scared but I’m ready to take this new stance. I want to allow myself to move on from this and break any toxic ties for good, because at the end it will be good for all of us. I don’t think any of us are happy when we’re in each other’s way stopping each other from what we want to do.

I just don’t want this anymore but something a lot more healing, better and supportive for you. That is all I’m saying. Whatever happened that caused your need to drink I’m really sorry for that and I wish I can change you to what I want you to be, even though that is not fair to you due to freewill. I just want to say that I understand that you NEVER did anything to cause me intentional harm and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I also forgive you and your drinking, I know it’s not to harm me, the house or anyone else that’s been effected by it.

I just want to say that I love you very much and I hope things get better for all of us…

Love,

Your daughter

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Vision 26: Emotional Independence

In this past weekend a lot has been revealed to me. Things that I feel are one of the most important things in being a human being in this world, especially when you have a family.

It started when I posted in the money course Facebook group about positive focus and accountability, in fact I should post that up when I have the time, it’s really good stuff. Anyway, a fellow member posted about her experience of feeling emotionally codependent on her family, to the point she had no clue what to do with her life if she had to do things on her own. I totally resonated with her experience because I too feel greatly affected by my family’s moods and emotions. A lot of the time, I’m on the same emotional level as they are so when things are good then I’m good, but when things are bad then I feel like total shit.

But the real a-ha moment that I found in response to her experience is that I associate a lot of my life with my family. A good example of this is that I feel I have to cater to them so they can improve themselves so that I can be successful. Or that I can’t be independent, free or be able to do what I want till my harsh family issues are healed. And basically, I feel that no matter what I do, my family is attached to me. So if I succeed then my family succeeds and things will be better, but if I fail than my whole family will go down with me. This causes a lot of stress and confusion in my life. I don’t understand where my life starts or ends, because I’m not the one calling the shots. I feel like I’m doing it all for my family (or we’re working as one unit) to the point that my own self is absorbed in it all.

This makes me feel anxious, stressed, confused, controlled and smothered. In fact, I feel way less motivated to do what I want to do (or even what my family desires out of me) when I feel this way, compared to when I feel independent and free to do whatever it is that I want. I didn’t see it till yesterday but this is completely unhealthy! And I lived this way for many years… I think this is one of the major issues I need to heal in myself. To lay down and apply emotional and mental boundaries with my family.

This made me see the truth that I want more money in my life to distance myself from my family and to feel free to do what it is that I want. I would call it having more freedom but what I really want is my own life outside of my family or a part of my life that I don’t have to share with them; a part of my life that whether I succeed or fail won’t affect them in anyway. I don’t want to be attached to the hip with my family for the rest of my life. At the same time I feel confused because it feels selfish to want this as well. As if I’m not supporting my family.

I’ll be honest that this is a lot to think about, more than I’ve ever considered when it comes to my family. For years I felt that I was meant to heal them so that I could move on to bigger and better things. After my reawakening of my true self, I realized how my mission in life got warped in thinking I had to heal them before the world. Thinking it was my job to heal them and make them better bounded me here even when I wanted to leave and move far away. I still entertain that possibility even when I was told many MANY times that I can’t change my family or the negativity they choose to engage in.

I guess a part of me didn’t know how to let go because of this powerful mental and emotional connection. But, through this money class I’m seeing unmatched proof that I am my own person that can affect my own future without my family being on board in all ways. I saw that distance between me and my family widened and what I can really do in my life. It’s a nice feeling even after I pretty much fell off the wagon a bit.

Seeing this however, I have a better idea of what I’m working with and how I can shift it because it’s what I need to do to move on. Not for my family’s sake but for solely myself…

Also, check out my newest reading where I create an artist trading card of your angel and give you guidance that you need to hear right now!

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Vision 25: The Worthiness Game

It’s been about a month since I started my money class and the evidence of my improvement is there. Things are getting better, easier, more downstream and generally healing. Even though I haven’t been doing all of the later assignments every day, since so much has happened that re-awaken me to who I truly am, I do find some slippage.

The biggest issue that I do have out of everything however is feeling worthy. I don’t know why but it’s hard for me to feel worthy or allowing for the better to come. Because as soon as things get good for some time, given about 2 weeks, I start to self-sabotage. I expect the worst to happen and somehow I think I don’t deserve the goodness and healing that I’m getting. I feel that things can’t be easy for me and that I have to prove myself to my family, the universe or just life.

This worthiness game is huge…

It’s huge because that is basically the very thing we’re all trying to get to. To feel worthy and allowing to do and have what we want. I think that was my a-ha moment for the day. I can have anything I want but if I don’t feel worthy to have it then it won’t come. It doesn’t matter what it is, money, love, relationships, cars, houses, pets, TVs, games and etc. If I don’t feel deserving to have that good, that allowing and just that healing in my life, than those things are as far away as I am to China.

I know all about it, I read about it and even hear people living there but it’s no closer to me then when I was born. It’s just that far yet I know it exists. That’s pretty deep because I’m the type of person that feels guilty for a lot of things that I can’t control. I put people’s happiness above my own and I know that it doesn’t do jack shit for me. I also know that I can’t make people happy or take that on as my mission in life because happiness is an inside job. There isn’t enough I can or can’t do to make someone else happy in their own life.

 Find what soul story is, your true purpose so you can start living how you intended and not how others want you to live!

Yet, I base my worthiness on my family’s happiness, how they are feeling and what they do. I still assume that if I do enough my family will be healed and then I’ll be happy. Then I can do what I came here to do, then I’ll be worthy enough to have what I want. Time and time again I’m proven wrong.

My worthiness has to come from me because I’m already worthy. There isn’t a soul, authority, god or person that can grant me my worthiness. I have to decide and act on it as if I’m already am, or else I’ll constantly feel guilty and undeserving because other people just can’t be happy on their own. Which in turn gives my power to other people, so no one wins in that.

But if I just give myself a loving chance, throw caution in the wind, let other people decide if happiness is within them and allow myself to have the good because I deserve it, then I’ll surly win. As feeling good is all that matters and positivity attracts more of it.

Not this self-sacrificing bullshit that we’re constantly taught and force feed from the day we were born. I need to learn (more) to stop sacrificing myself for another’s happiness because that isn’t the way happiness works. It works when you stop allowing the bullshit in life control how you feel, especially circumstances and people. Once you learn that happiness is an inside job and no one can take it away, then you have true power, control and rule in your life. I’m slowly getting closer to that, but the universe have to make it more clear for me every once in a while when I’m not feeling worthy.

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Vision 24: Giving my Dreams another Chance

(I originally wrote this last week) In the last few days since being presented to start finding and pursuing my dreams again, a lot of fear has come up. The fear that I will lose my security of trying to find a job, the fear that my dreams might not work out or that it won’t be perfect.

But my loving guide Joe reminded me that “There is never a good enough excuse to not follow your dreams!” And I can only say, “I should be the one saying that!” I’m the one that gives those “I had a dreams speeches” to people; however, when it comes to my own dreams and aspirations I’ve grown very quiet.

You see, I remembered my first dream which I call my “original dream” because it was the first one where I had a knowingness, almost an intuitive feeling that this is what will really make me happy. Even if I didn’t make a lot of money or fame, somehow I knew that this was right for me. I remember closing my eyes and playing the “what if” game and saw a very beautiful dream of creating a small online shop where I sell my handmade goods.

I saw many others doing it online and absolutely loved the idea of doing it myself, so I took a risk to follow my dreams and thus a true road of discovery was undertaken. However, in the years to come, even in the beginning, my dream turned into an obsession with success and perfection. Which then warped my true (and a whole lot simpler) dream.

I remembered my original dream only one or two days ago. There was no real plans of success (at least to a grand scale), to take over the world or become the first to do something great… All I wanted to do is to create with my hands, package it up and send it to people for an exchange of money. It was nothing like I turned it into for years upon years where I wanted to do something a lot more complex and time consuming. I have no idea what happened, but that dream was buried under a lot of crap, thus making it impossible to see anything else than the superficial goals I thought I wanted and needed to achieve.

So when Joe reminded me of how I had everything I possibly needed (and more actually) to start and achieve my dream, and that my fears and need for perfection was only an excuse, I had nothing to say. I literally couldn’t think of ANYTHING to rebuttal the clear facts he handed to me on a silver platter.

You have no more excuses, so what now?

I guess to swallow the fear and just do it… What is there left to do, honestly?

I don’t want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder because I couldn’t make my dreams come true, or deny my passion for dreams anymore. I’m simply nothing without my dreams; I’m a girl that needs her dreams to be whole. Even if they turn into something else.

The fun and adventure of following my dreams is something I love more than anything, even with the year’s worth of disappointments. I need my dreams, there is no doubt about it.

I need my dreams…

So after about 40 or so minutes of my guide drilling in my head how badly I need to fulfil my own dreams despite EVERYTHING, I decided to push my fears aside, realize that I’m truly in the perfect circumstance and start following and building my original dream again!

It starts now; the time is perfect…

I just launched a brand new angel card reading today that goes a lot more in-depth and to the core of your situation. Where I can pick up more subtle clues and guidance about your soul's journey, your current lessons and ways to break the mold of your current struggles. Go check it out if you want some down to earth, fun and creative guidance! 

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Vision 23: Revisiting My Dreams

This has been such an insane and intense week in all the right ways. Beautiful guidance, twin flame energies, intense intuitive guidance and a sudden burst of interest in using the angel cards again.  One of the things however that I found “strange” yet deliciously exciting was being urged to find my dreams again.

This happened after I did a tarot reading for myself where they strongly suggested that I create a foundation in my life where I can basically focus on my dreams. So I can have a true “vision” of what I want my life to be like.

Admittedly, I have shut down my dreams. I use to be a such a strong advocate for following your dreams and I still am… But that sparkle, intense passion and that “fighter spirit” has been somewhat put out.

After an awful 2013 of following my own dreams (at least what I thought were dreams) of growing my business and becoming a life coach of some sort, I felt completely defeated and even embarrassed to be honest. I thought that somehow my dreams would of came through if I put enough time and effort in it but all I got was a huge headache, wild goose chases and a lot of false hope.

After that point, I found it simpler to just find a nine-to-five (still looking actually), buckle down and find smaller bits of pieces of my life that was left that I fairly enjoyed. I pretty much downgraded my own visions and dreams (along with what I could do in life) and even felt resentment towards those dreams. It felt like a joke to think I could or even wanted to achieve those dreams. Because of that, I feel now that having a “dream,” at least for myself, is dicey business. I don’t know if I’ll realize it, if it will be fruitful or I’ll endlessly fail time and time again till I’m at rock bottom.

Writing all of this now, I feel a lot of anger. Towards life and everyone… For tossing me dead ends and endless battles for something I now know wasn’t much of a dream but a hope of getting out of a bad situation. Even then, I had so much hope for the future that I carried on, even if it hurt and I still ended up barely together.

I HATE the fact that last year was so shitty, that my life went to the shitter and yet, I still had the hope of creating something better only for it to come crashing down so hard that I wasn’t sure what was really left for me. I hate it, I really do and I never thought I held that much resentment towards last year and my dreams as I do now. I feel like I trusted myself and the universe but was severely disappointed.

Maybe that’s why I shut down my dreams and didn’t plan to make new ones. It all felt like a lie and deep inside I didn’t want to face the hard truth of my real feelings towards the past. I just wanted an escape from really bad circumstances and having a bigger and better business felt like the perfect way to do that. I read so many stories of others doing the same thing I figured it should work for me too, but it didn’t. I was misled by my obsession with success thinking it would change life around me for the better. I’m seeing that on an even deeper level now and how that blocked me from finding my true path in life.

Since then, I found things I would like to experience and do, but they were far from actual dreams. Thus I have no real “vision” for my life, just things I would like to do and the cards picked that up perfectly. I feel that pull and tug to let my dreams out once again and I even realized new ones today (before I found all this resentment towards the past mind you) but I have that thorn in my side that needs to be taken out.

I know now is the right time and I can’t wait for it to just “happen.” I really have to push myself and make myself see how dear and important my dreams are. Not just the ones that gave me false hope because I was coming from a place of lack and fear, but the real and true ones of what I would like to become one day. I still can have those dreams and many others but I have to stop resenting the past and see that life was just showing me the way.

I have to stop being so angry at myself for this because if I knew better I would of done better. I guess a part of me wished that things would of turned out differently so I feel more deserving in life. Having last year the way it went made me feel lower than dirt; it didn’t feel like I deserved anything more but negativity because somehow I wasn’t “more” than a failure in all fronts in my own eyes.

I have to stop telling that story, it might of felt that way but certainly it wasn’t what the universe intended for me. If I didn’t have that experience, I don’t know where I would be or how I would feel truly inside. Because of that downturn in life I was able to uncover a lot more in my current upturn. Where I’m truly finding myself again and how I work in relation to the outside world, there is no price for that.

So, I’m sorry for punishing you, my dreams, myself and life. It might seem cruel but you were the teachers that was just leading me down the path of least resistance and authenticity, and I can’t blame you for that. I was simply just a wannabe of a lot of falsehood (though I didn’t see it at the time) and you all turned me into something much greater than that… Myself, my real self that I’m starting to really know again.

And that feels so good to me, thank you so much life, my dreams and myself, you did a good job…  

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Vision 22: Mental Madness

My mind has been a bit everywhere lately. I guess that is due to all the things that I feel like I need and want to do. Gosh, I have no idea when life became an intensely busy activity. Not enough time for all the things we have to do. Which has me thinking, or more aware of that maybe I set myself to do too many things to do, too many standards to do these things in, and just too much worrying about them all… Or something. Maybe my brain is just in overdrive because I’ve been off my internal schedule for a few days because of a fun sleep over with a friend.

I want to catch up on my money class assignments, I want to write more for my Kawaii Lifestyle blog, I need to relearn my now rusty Korean, I need to get in the habit of drawing more, my online shop needs a new name and branding, I need to change my business email, I’m still concerned about my job hunt and how going to my local anime convention (that’s in the next town) is going to work out. This is all a bit too much and I’m not sure how it got that way… It just seems like I started to lag in one area and things starting to pile up everywhere.

Even so, I just have a lot on my plate and I’m starting to take on too much all in one time. I know I can do some things today and others the next, but I have the mindset that everything needs to get done in one morning. It’s fucking insane! Why all of a sudden everything is so vital for my wellbeing?! And why do my amount of busyness equals to some type of achievement? Yeah, I may do a lot, and it feels good to be that way so I don’t feel lazy but I’m paying for it by being burnt out and tired. I had enough of that in my life already.

Not to mention my mind can go far ahead and just cause havoc when I don’t keep it in check, mediate or write out my feelings (like now). It can become a bit too much when in reality things are nowhere near as dire. I guess I’m wanting to get my mental and mind straighten out so I don’t feel like my life is just the next thing I need to do. But an internally rich experience where I can pick and choose to do things that means a lot to me and see where those things go. Well then… That sounded like the perfect answer.

Just that fast my life was more about “getting things done” than “what fills me positivity.” I told myself when I started this blog that I won’t be able to fit everything I would want to say in one page so don’t aim for it haha. I guess that philosophy needs to move towards my life as well. I won’t be able to do everything I want in one day or even one life time so don’t aim for it, but have fun and do what I’m drawn to do. The things that I don’t get to, just let it go and that time will come.

I guess my point being, I forgot what life was supposed to mean to me in this new positive light of 2014. My internal world, me expressing myself and just having a good time in the present and not freaking out over everything. That is not a life I want to live anymore for obvious reasons.

Now I feel a lot better getting all that mental clutter out of my head. It’s vital for me to understand that writing is what causes my mind to become at ease because I’m not keeping everything in memory. I don’t have that much conscious room so it can get crowned easily (within 2-3 days). So yeah, it was time for a major clean up and for me to do one of my favorite things, blogging!

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Vision 21: Helping too Much?

My guide Ouroboros have given me a lot to think about this morning while I was channeling him. He mentioned how much energy I invest into helping people around me and how that is affecting my own life.

It’s funny, I was thinking about a similar concept about where I am to where the ones closest to me are, and how I like to drag them up to where I am. Even though this can be a great thing, it can turn into a burden easily.

I love being able to be there for people, especially my friends. I love teaching and showing people how they can expand in their lives and get to where they want to go. But I do see a trend where I might not be willing to see that “where they are is where they are” and that I have to have that level of detachment of their growth and path.

I don’t know what it is, but my pace seems to go a lot faster than I even realize, and when I’m at a certain pace/thought/growth/place in my life, I assume other people should be there too. Sometimes, honestly speaking, I can get easily frustrated with people because I don’t seem to understand why they are still struggling with the same issues for a really long time, especially if I’ve been “guiding” them the whole way through.

I often have to stop myself and think from a bigger perspective. They don’t know what I know, they are not on the same exact path and they are where they are and it’s perfect. I do the same things too in life. I don’t always know the right answer, path or whatever it is for me to get out of the sticky situation I’m in, so I get stuck for a while.

I guess the real “answer” and the thing that Ouroboros is trying to convey to me is that I need to stop inputting so much energy in other people where it can be more productive for myself. To respect where people are in their lives and not feel obligated to push them to where I am. That is hard for me to hear because I so naturally drag people out of their issues provided that the person is willing to go there. It just comes naturally, and I’m not sure why. So trying to reverse that thinking and mindset will be pretty interesting, that and I’m curious how much this need to help people really does affect my life.

I can say that it doesn’t affect my life in a negative sense but maybe if I stopped thinking so much about other people, their issues and ways to help them and believe and trust they can do it on their own, I can find more time and resources for myself. A part of me feel that it’s wrong but I know this is truly the right thing. When I put things in a higher perspective, maybe my need to help other people comes from looking at myself where I wasn’t at my greatest point and doing all that I can to save “her.”

Not to say that I’m only thinking about myself, that is not the case, I see people as they are. But that similar “pain point” is what drives me so hard to save “anyone” that I feel familiarly with. I think that is what keeps my past alive when I’m actively changing my present and future.

A lot of the past have been creeping up on me and had me thinking about how much I changed for the better. But I think it was more of a wakeup call to finally stop indulging and relating the past to my current present and just move on to bigger and better things. One of the biggest ways I can do that is let go of that need to save people from themselves and issues. I can still be there of support but that should be my only role, support, not a driving force for them to change…

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