I wasn’t committed because I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it because it felt like an obligation.
I had to be better, I had to start drawing again because if I didn’t, it would be a waste of talent, time and energy. It didn’t feel good at all, because I was making myself feel bad due to the lack of drawing I was doing. I’m seeing the reason for that a lot clearer now. It wasn’t because I stopped drawing as much, but I wasn’t valuing myself as I was. I felt that I, myself, as a person had no value but my talent in drawing did.
So I was trying to make myself draw so that I could feel valuable and that I had “something” to do and give in this world. My art then wasn’t about my own happiness but what I felt others saw in me. I didn’t feel good about myself, I blamed myself for a lot of things. A lot happened in the last five years and during that time all I did was make myself feel bad for not doing or being better, so of course everything I did was for me to make up for it all.
But my art was probably my biggest victim of all, I downgraded it to almost nothing so I barely had that, so when I tried to get back into drawing again, of course it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough to draw, it felt like a luxury to be drawing. I dared to have fun again doing something I love than slaving at a business, job or something else that only caused me suffering. It took a very long time for me to realize how much I degraded myself and my own worth and how that effected my artistic self. Granted, when I was drawing full-time I had a lot of issues that stemmed from the same thing, unworthiness, but this time instead of effecting what I drew, it simply started to wipe that part of me away. And I honestly had no idea what to do. I didn’t know what to think or how to fix it.
No matter how much I would try drawing on a normal basis it just didn’t stick, no matter how many ideas I had, how much confidence I had at the time, or motivation. I just couldn’t get myself to feel “good,” truly good in drawing again. I thought it was my lack of determination and other shit like that, but it was actually a very deep emotional call and innocence I wasn’t looking at. The value of being me, the value of being a person in this world, and just the value of existing and how much of a miracle I am. I didn’t think of myself as a miracle but a person that would try really hard but fuck up every time.
Because of that thought process, naturally I made drawing something that was too good for me. I knew how valuable it was and even made my art match the unworthiness I thought I was. I truly felt that I wasn’t good enough to draw and even if I did, my art wasn’t worth much as a result so of course no matter how hard I tried drawing and being an artist, it wouldn’t stick for me.
Even then, I knew how valuable my actual ability, talent and potential was. I knew deep inside that if I could connect with that spirit I would be unstoppable but knowing how great I could be in a place where I felt so low, I couldn’t see myself actually being that. It just didn’t make sense and I played out that exact role and didn’t own my purpose, my art, my creativity fully, my talents or my artistic abilities. I knew how much I could do but I was so convinced that I was nothing more than a failure I just let myself be that then challenge something that I was used too. Thank god though, I’m growing out of it.
After being reconnected fully to my life purpose and really making myself “see” it for what it is. I’m ready to own it. Full time, no bullshit; let’s go to the moon, no rockets. I feel worthy now, I feel good enough to draw and own my artistic potential and then some. I want to do this, I feel it inside and it’s so different now than it ever was. I’m truly wanting and ready to own my purpose, my talent and what I’m made for in this world and I’m not willing for anyone, even myself to stop me. I’m ready, I’m willing and I’m doing it. I’m owning it…
I’m owning it now.
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