Vision 61: Feeling Like a Domesticated Human

I want to be free, I want to be free of the stresses that the modern life constantly inscribes us with. I want to be free of the pressures of trying to prove myself to everyone around me. I want to be free of the pressure of trying to look good and “happening” on the internet, constantly posting pictures and preaching about how good life is.

What’s the point of it all, it’s making less sense to me.

For some time now, I have been going outside in nature more. Enjoying the stillness and being-ness that we don’t experience in our homes. Everything is about the next job, school, goal, lover, child, success, failure, follower, plan, day, fashion, TV show and quite frankly shit I really don’t care about.

I have been indulging and wishing for so many things that has little to no real impact on my life that I’m convinced that the school system and society has domesticated my truly wild and free spirit.

To be honest, I want to live out in the wild, I want to experience what is it to be truly connected to the earth and others. I want to embrace myself as a child of the universe and stretch my skills and talents like I never have before. I want to shine, I want to be me, I just want way more than what I was taught in my life. Knowing who you are and knowing your true potential rather than living in the perspective of others, I see why young children are so disconnected from the “real world.” They haven’t been broken in yet to the beliefs and negative mindset that says “you have to do things in a certain way or you’re a failure, weirdo or unworthy.”

I hate so much that I let myself be brainwashed by my schooling, parents, peers, the media and every other influence that tries to keep me “in line,” to apparently keep me safe from harm. The biggest harm to me is losing your wild spirit to those that doesn’t know better. To stop shining because we were taught it’s wrong to show off, to stop feeling because “it’s weak,” to stop dreaming so big because it’s “unrealistic.” I’m tired of it all and the constant messages that says that you have to be a certain way because of your background, race, where you grew up in and just bullshit that doesn’t matter.

What I’m saying is I’m angry that I want way more than I think anyone around me could try to explain. I’m angry because I feel like I want to live in the woods, get a companion wolf and just live as who I really am. I’m angry because I love what I have and everything it has done for me, yet I so desperately want to move far away from it. As much as I love this life at this time period, I know it’s not me.

I’m not sure why, but I just feel it, that real shining part of myself that is connected to all things. It keeps nudging me to go outside, to eat more natural things, to run, jump and play with the animals, to forgo meaningless goals and get real and deep with what matters. It wants to be validated so bad but I’m resisting a lot by being angry. At how I’m not letting myself be who I really am, but blaming society and those around me that convinced me that I was a “civilized human.”

I don’t want to be a civilized human anymore, I feel like a caged animal and I feel so much power inside myself that wants to burst out it’s emotionally painful. I want to cry…

I want to be free, I want to travel the world, I want to dig my hands into the earth, I want to start praising the earth like my ancestors from the divine did. I feel like I never belonged in this planet in the first place, I feel like an adoptee, just dropped here to see how everything was doing.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it, where I am now, torn between who I knew myself as a “human” and the precious super powerful being that I know that I am. The pull is so strong now to just “be myself” that I can barely take it, and all I can do is get mad and angry so I can feel like someone is stopping me.

No one is stopping me but myself, and I have to get really honest with myself in this situation. Who do I want to be? What do I need to change to finally be on the road where I feel like myself? What do I need to cultivate in myself to make me feel like I’m not being brainwashed by the world? I have a lot of thinking to do, but that is just for me to keep myself in limbo, what I need to do is accept.

To accept I’m not what I think I always was and trust it, no matter what it may bring. I have to trust that wild spirit within me and follow it in the dark woods inside my soul, it knows what it’s talking about. I have to let go of the domesticated part of myself, and finally be the wild sunlit warrior that was always swimming within me.

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Vision 60: Al-anon

Yesterday was my first Al-anon meeting. Something that I wanted to do for a very long time but after a lot of setbacks in the last week, I was finally able to go.

It was really scary, even though I was excited to go. I was fearful and didn’t know what to expect. I honestly wanted to keep a distance from everyone, I was emotionally and even spirituality separating myself from the group. After hearing everyone stories; however, I had the courage to share my own which wasn’t easy.

Within a few seconds I was crying really bad, it hurt so much to know how much my mom’s addiction has changed the person I thought I never was. It’s painful to know that your own family caused such a deep rift in yourself. It’s something that I’m honestly pissed about even though I want to forgive. I’m not sure if I’m in that place quite yet because I’m starting to feel more resentment than forgiveness these days.

I just want peace, I just want calm but that is nearly impossible being in a chaotic environment, the arguments, power struggles, pain, money issues and just the drinking itself takes away all of that, and it sucks. I don’t want to dive too deep into the negativity of this, but I am realizing that I’m way too accepting of the way things are. And I’ve been way too passive in the past towards action to change myself than to change others. The hardest part is always knowing that “this” might never change and if I don’t do something, I’m always going to be in it. That is what I resent the most, the fact that even though I have nothing to do with what goes wrong, I still stuffer none the less. I feel like it should be my family that should stuffer, or even more so. I want them to feel how I feel. To feel everything, every emotion, every pain, every bad thought, all of my internal struggles and feelings of being judged.

I hate that I have sat here and let myself be turned into a self-loathing being, hoping and wishing that someone somewhere will save me from all of this, or that my family will care enough to change. I feel so broken over that because it was the illusionary promise that was never kept. It was all a lie, and if I knew sooner I probably would of done something just as fast.

The meeting, even though it brought up a lot of pain and even more realization of the situation that I’m in, gave me a place where I can be honest with other people that understands how I feel. A part of me wanted to dismiss the whole thing thinking that our focus on the negativity will only keep me in struggle even longer, but that voice didn’t sound loving at all. It was myself wanting to isolate myself again and hope that I can make it without any help; that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want to be like everyone else and was prone to pain like this. I wanted to be stronger than that, but that honesty got me nowhere, I’m in even more pain because of it.

I want to give this all that I got because I’ll never find that kind of support here. I also have to be really honest with myself and not give excuses on how I’m feeling and the impact my good meaning family does do to me. I have to think about myself very selfishly and give no explanation why. I have to keep moving forward and hope that things change even faster than I could imagine and even more so because I got more support to keep myself moving.

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Vision 59: Letting go

A few days ago, the universe made it pretty clear that I needed to let go of some old pains. The pain of my first relationship and how crossed I am about how it ended.

What was funny is how I was mentioning to the universe and the angels on how I was ready to finally let go of the animosity. During my way home the perfect neon sign of what I needed to do next came up.

The person that was selling watermelons in my neighborhood mentioned how he and his brother “liked” me (yuck, they were way too old for me) and asked me about my past relationship. I was taken aback because as soon as I sent that message out to the universe here it comes full power to conform what I just said. I honestly found it really annoying because I hate mentioning it or talking about what happened. I just want to forget it. If anyone has those memory eraser pills I need some right now.


But anyway, I knew I was annoyed because I hated the fact I still felt slighted that the ex just up and left without warning. I still want to break every bone in his face for the simple fact that I was wayyy to good for that type of treatment, plus I hate how much of a pussy he was about it. I really really hate cowards.

I was even more annoyed when the watermelon seller asked if I wasn’t looking for a relationship because of what happened and that I was “broken hearted”, UGH.

Broken hearted? Far from it, still angry? Yes… I honestly don’t care about the actual relationship, it was whatever especially being about 5 years ago, if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t of dated him. However, I would of like to be spared the pain I went through of him up and leaving without notice. I just don’t understand people that do stupid shit like that. I could care or less if he wanted to continue the relationship, him leaving was a gift for me but I would like to have known without running around thinking he was dead or something. I felt that he took advantage of my kindness and I want to chop his dick off and feed it to my dog, basically. I honestly always wished the worst upon him.

What I hate the most about people is the stupid shit they get themselves into all the time, then blame the world for it. They are totally oblivious towards their own actions and simply go on to be ignorant and suck other people into it. I also hate when people take advantage of other’s kindness and I’m simply way too good for that and wish a whole world of hurt for the people that done that to me. It feels good to finally say that being that I was trying to up hold this “perfect” image in the past. I wish harm on people and it feels good, I know it does nothing for anyone (especially me) but expressing that does the world for me. Whatever bullshit that my ex encountered after the relationship he deserved it and I’m smiling happily because of it.

If it was anything that I really needed out of all this is not so much to “let go” but to be honest with myself and make my feelings valid because that is what I wasn’t doing. I was going off of the common belief that it was wrong to be angry at the past, you should forgive and all that spiritual blurb. As much as I wanted to do so, it wasn’t happening. I was (super) angry and I never fully processed that anger because I thought I had to forgive him and put some rosy feeling bullshit on top of everything. I don’t have to forgive him, I don’t have to be fake about it all and I can be angry all I want. I can take joy in his possible suffering and feel however the way I feel because I am human. I don’t want to pretend like it was all okay and I’m over it because of some social/spiritual expectations. I’m pissed and I’m happy to finally let myself be really pissed off without wanting to hide the fact that I am.

It feels good to finally be angry and not feel bad about it. It feels good to openly wish harm and not feel that I’m being a bad person. It feels good to finally be honest with myself without worrying what the world might think. It feels good to process this anger and just let it flow out instead of waiting for “forgiveness” to suddenly fix everything. And it feels REALLY good to not need to forgive the ex but forgive myself for not expressing my anger sooner and that the ex has nothing to do with me moving forward, this is all about me.

My life is good and it’s getting better and I have no time to waste on old shit heads who had no clue about how awesome I am. That doesn’t change my value and it surely doesn’t mean I can’t have a happy relationship if I choose to go into one, though I’m finding myself being more on the lithromantic scale.

In any case, I’m happy that I’m being honest with myself and finally taking the focus off of someone I couldn’t give a shit about to the most important person in my life, myself, and healing that person.

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Vision 58: Frustrated

I haven’t been treating myself the best lately. I’ve been staying up too late and waking up so early that my body can’t keep up energy wise.

I always had a bad habit of not going to bed at a reasonable time but for some reason right now, I’m feeling it big time. I don’t enjoy waking up and I have no energy. I literally just want to go back to sleep no sooner I get up. This is a huge problem for me now because it’s feeding my anxiety and I’m completely at odds with it.

A part of me wants to get more sleep in the day, to relax more and let go while the more rigid part of me feels like I’m being lazy or unworthy because I need the extra rest. I even broke out of my rut by sleeping in and straying away from my normal routine last week but I’m dying to go back into it this week. I feel like a small child just wanting to be in the safety of his mother. And that’s what it boils down too, safety.

I don’t feel safe without knowing what to expect living here, I’ve always been that way. When I don’t have a routine I feel out of control, I feel like the world is going to spin out of orbit and anything that I want or desire will never come to me. I guess you can say I feel stuck indefinitely unless I move or do something. Honestly, thinking about it rationally it doesn’t make much sense, it’s just my mind saying that but that’s not what is actually happening. I think I’m like this because I don’t have much control over my family and they produce a lot of stress especially when they’re drinking.

Not too long ago I discovered that 80% of my issues and limited beliefs had stemmed from my family and a negative environment. It’s rare for me to get to the core of an issue of whatever I’m dealing with now that has something to do with something someone else did or said to me outside of my home. Everything starts here, at home and while I’m doing my best to reverse the effects of what it has done to me for years I still have pockets of struggle. I’m hoping my anxiety can ease and that my mind can rest without triggers that sends me back to my default mode. I love my family and appreciate whatever shitty path that it gave me but I’m frankly tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of always looking behind me, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of being stressed because someone else is being stressed.

I long for solitude from it all and to be in my own energy. Most times I find the most calm when I’m by myself because I have no one else to worry about. Plus a lot of what goes on here is out of my control but I’m so hung up with trying to control myself in a way that makes everyone else happy that I simply fall into feelings of fear. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster that I can’t get off of and I’m desperately trying my best to just find something I can hang on to.

I want to be content, I want to be okay with everything that is going on while maintaining my peace but I want to rip my skin off and jump outside my body. I’m dying for more peace and to be away from everything that stresses me out that has nothing to do with me. I’m tired of trying to be happy and serene when it feels like everything around me brings constant obstacles. I feel super frustrated and I don’t think I’ve been expressing those feelings enough lately, I’ve just been trying to “flow” with it all but I’m not saying what I truly feel so all that energy just stays locked within me.

Yes, I’m frustrated, I haven’t been sleeping like I should and I sometimes hate living with my family and wish to move so far away from here. I feel like I’m bitching over nothing but if I don’t have compassion for myself then it is no use to others either. My feelings are valid even if I’m saying them out of anger, I’m saying it because I’m angry and I’m angry because I haven’t been expressing myself because of the constant swinging of emotions I’ve been dealing with lately.

I just want to be at peace, I just want to be alone, I want to live alone where I’m never bothered by the constant bullshit. And I’m sick of judging myself for being frustrated and angry because I believe other people’s possible opinions of my own situation and circumstances is more valid than my own first hand experience. Again, more mental bullshit that is irrational but my brain is so quick to make it real so it feels like it’s happening when I’m completely fine. *sigh*

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Vision 57: Owning It

I feel good. I feel good because I’m not just finally owning my worth as a person, but I’m owning up to my purpose. For years I wanted to get back into drawing like I used to do, but somehow I would never fully commit myself to it. Honestly, all those times I did try I wasn’t really committed at all.

I wasn’t committed because I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it because it felt like an obligation.

I had to be better, I had to start drawing again because if I didn’t, it would be a waste of talent, time and energy. It didn’t feel good at all, because I was making myself feel bad due to the lack of drawing I was doing. I’m seeing the reason for that a lot clearer now. It wasn’t because I stopped drawing as much, but I wasn’t valuing myself as I was. I felt that I, myself, as a person had no value but my talent in drawing did.

So I was trying to make myself draw so that I could feel valuable and that I had “something” to do and give in this world. My art then wasn’t about my own happiness but what I felt others saw in me. I didn’t feel good about myself, I blamed myself for a lot of things. A lot happened in the last five years and during that time all I did was make myself feel bad for not doing or being better, so of course everything I did was for me to make up for it all.

But my art was probably my biggest victim of all, I downgraded it to almost nothing so I barely had that, so when I tried to get back into drawing again, of course it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough to draw, it felt like a luxury to be drawing. I dared to have fun again doing something I love than slaving at a business, job or something else that only caused me suffering. It took a very long time for me to realize how much I degraded myself and my own worth and how that effected my artistic self. Granted, when I was drawing full-time I had a lot of issues that stemmed from the same thing, unworthiness, but this time instead of effecting what I drew, it simply started to wipe that part of me away. And I honestly had no idea what to do. I didn’t know what to think or how to fix it.

No matter how much I would try drawing on a normal basis it just didn’t stick, no matter how many ideas I had, how much confidence I had at the time, or motivation. I just couldn’t get myself to feel “good,” truly good in drawing again. I thought it was my lack of determination and other shit like that, but it was actually a very deep emotional call and innocence I wasn’t looking at. The value of being me, the value of being a person in this world, and just the value of existing and how much of a miracle I am. I didn’t think of myself as a miracle but a person that would try really hard but fuck up every time.

Because of that thought process, naturally I made drawing something that was too good for me. I knew how valuable it was and even made my art match the unworthiness I thought I was. I truly felt that I wasn’t good enough to draw and even if I did, my art wasn’t worth much as a result so of course no matter how hard I tried drawing and being an artist, it wouldn’t stick for me.

Even then, I knew how valuable my actual ability, talent and potential was. I knew deep inside that if I could connect with that spirit I would be unstoppable but knowing how great I could be in a place where I felt so low, I couldn’t see myself actually being that. It just didn’t make sense and I played out that exact role and didn’t own my purpose, my art, my creativity fully, my talents or my artistic abilities. I knew how much I could do but I was so convinced that I was nothing more than a failure I just let myself be that then challenge something that I was used too. Thank god though, I’m growing out of it.

After being reconnected fully to my life purpose and really making myself “see” it for what it is. I’m ready to own it. Full time, no bullshit;  let’s go to the moon, no rockets. I feel worthy now, I feel good enough to draw and own my artistic potential and then some. I want to do this, I feel it inside and it’s so different now than it ever was. I’m truly wanting and ready to own my purpose, my talent and what I’m made for in this world and I’m not willing for anyone, even myself to stop me. I’m ready, I’m willing and I’m doing it. I’m owning it…

I’m owning it now.

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Vision 56: Love List #67

1. I love being an artist, I love that this is my path!
2. Thank you for the path that is being laid out for me, it feels so exciting!
3. Thank you for the money that supports me in my path, I love my new money relationship!
4. I love the feeling of ease when it comes to my purpose, it feels effortless!
5. I love creating my reality and making it what I want it to be
6. I love being the creator of my reality!
7. I love being in control of what I experience in my life
8. I love the freedom of being all of who I am
9. I enjoy my self-expression in my art!
10. Thank you for my blessing of being an artist!

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Vision 55: Sailor Mini Moon

 

My drawing of Rini from Sailor Moon that I did today

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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