Vision 66: Secret Princess

It’s been a lovely few days since getting my internet back, I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself and in my flow again. However, in my time of not having internet a lot of things from my past life have been coming up.

I’ve never considered myself a princess yet, in the last few weeks that very title have been coming into my awareness. What really added to this is when old past life memories in Kyoto came up out of nowhere, where I was a complete mess after watching a short program about the Aoi Matsuri festival. Kyoto, even though I always felt a resonance about the place, I never felt nowhere near as emotional as I’ve have been about it in the last month or two. Not only that, but I was drawn to the manga Gate 7 that took place in Kyoto where the main character too, was always drawn to the beautiful location.

I did a reading about this whole “princess” thing and it brought up a lot of fear. Fear of being noticed, being powerful, being rejected, seen as superior and better than others. I always had this push and pull energy with power, I heard that it was okay to be powerful yet, I was afraid of it because of what power does to people. People with “power” hurt others especially physically, I didn’t want to be like that so I didn’t want to be powerful. It make sense when I write it out to myself. Why would I choose power if I know so much about how it hurts people, how it hurt me time and time again? I’m not a bad person and I don’t want to be associated with anything that “bad people” are so of course I would push it away when it comes up.

But I realized during the reading, while I was talking about my feelings about the word power, it had nothing to do with physical power. It had nothing to do with “having the power” to hurt or put fear in others, it had nothing to do with not being your true self. Power and that energy is about your inner strength and conviction, it’s a spiritual power that has nothing to do about how much you can bench-press but how you affect others through your words, gentle touch and spirit. It’s like I never considered that other side of power before, but when I let myself open up enough, the wisdom came through. I had no reason to fear my own power anymore, though I still have deep rooted limited beliefs to work through.

Whenever the angels or spirit would tell me how powerful I am and how my purpose was special I would shrink in dread. “Please don’t tell me that! I just want to be normal, I don’t want a special purpose or be powerful. I don’t want to be better than other people” But the angels never suggested that, all they did was show me the truth. I am powerful, in a sense that I can change my life in a huge way, I can be myself and proud and affect people with that very power. I’ve seen it happen throughout my life yet I don’t want to take true “credit.” In fact, I feel uneasy that I have that great of effect on others.

Simply put, I learned that being a “princess,” having an important purpose, and being powerful isn’t about what I always assumed. It’s a much lighter, loving and embracing energy that I’m blessed to have and to have that power to gift people in many ways. My fears on power or sticking out was because it was founded on how other powerful, loving and good meaning people got ridiculed, teased, beaten and even killed for it.

No one wants that.

At the same time I have to let go of this fear because not accepting this in myself isn’t being who I really am, and being powerful doesn’t mean death, there are plenty of love and thankfulness that goes out to powerful people because they are who they are.

Life isn’t a competition, I don’t have to prove or convince anyone of anything and I surely don’t have to hide myself because of what other people might think of me. It’s easy to blame and hate people with power (good or bad) because they do a great deal of change, but it takes so much strength, energy and time to become one and create change yourself.

That is what separates people that change the world, and people that don’t. That decision to access their own power and not be held back by those that think they shouldn’t be who they are, or to stand up for what they believe in.

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Vision 65: What I Love About Myself

I’m Lovable

I love myself and loving more of who I am. People love me for me but even more so I’m learning to finally love myself. I love that I’m lovable and I love myself so much that I’m willing to do what it takes to make myself happy. I love that I’m loveable because it makes my life easier and I can do things for myself without feeling bad. I’m loveable because I’m sweet, kind and caring and people want to be around that. It’s something I want more out of myself, more kindness for myself from myself.

I’m loveable and that is what I love about me!

I’m Intuitive and Psychic

I love my psychic abilities because it’s something that I wanted since I was a very young girl; to just know things. Through a lot of trial and error and living my life through the lens of the intuitive world I got that and more.

I did something for myself that I really wanted and owned it, so much so that I forgot that this was a conscious choice to lead a psychic life more than I was blessed with fully opened gifts and learning how to deal with them. I love my intuitive self, I love how I can pick up on things, I love that I can know what it is that is really going on around me. I love that I can also help other people find their way through my gifts.

I love how dedicated I am to my own improvement and development of my abilities. I love that everyday I’m finding more ways to include my gifts in everyday life, even make a business out of my talents! It feels good to be me with these gifts and also to share them with others!

 I’m Have Big Dreams to be a Video Game Concept Art Director

I love that I knew my dreams since I was young. I knew that I wanted to be a video game designer and I’m even more thrilled that my dream got even more specific! I love drawing and I love video games. I love storytelling and I want to be a big part of the video game development process. I want to help create the worlds that the story will be setting in, and help the character build his own adventure through my worlds.

I love telling a great story and I love knowing that I can create worlds through my own artistic talents. What I love about me knowing my dreams is that I know who I really am. I love knowing me as that person with big dreams and is willing to omit everything that isn’t serving me to reach that place. I also love being able to create what I want in the present time instead of waiting for that magical moment to happen!

I’m Creative and Whimsical

What I love about myself is that I’m very whimsical, I don’t think like most people. I love that about myself because it gives me that extra edge that most people like to reach for, yet it comes naturally to me. I love being a part of the cutting edge even though it can be scary and uncertain.

I love knowing that my ideas, dreams, and what I think about the world is truly meaningful and changes my life for the better. I love that I can take these ideas and make them real, I love that I have the power and know how to do it easily. I’m so connected and tapped into the source of all things that it’s sometimes scary how things come about in my life. But I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world because that is who I am. I love creating the new, the cutting edge, the different and exciting!

I love my love for the whimsical, different and creative the forces I’m made of!  

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Vision 64: I Was Meant to be Different

I was meant for newness and adventure, to create what was never been before. I thought that I wanted to create what was already here but in a more harmonious way, but I was wrong. What I really want and desire in my soul is to experience new things.

I realized that when I was guided to listen to my life purpose session. When George and I was talking about the themes that all of my enjoyable memories and experiences were, it was all about imagination, creation and new worlds. That is when I knew, something inside just knew that what I was chasing before wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really want is the newness of life and the journeys I desire is to have as many new experiences as possible.

It also explains why I couldn’t get my drawing life back into place because I was trying to do the same thing as what was currently popular. As much as I like it, it’s not the subjects I want to draw, I want to create what I really want but was afraid to for a long time.

This realization of creating and experiencing new ways of being made my life even more simpler to understand. From myself as a person to what I create and put out into the world. The difference between now and then, is that I thought I was supposed to make what was already here more pleasant. As if I’m taking what the world already had when I was born and turn it into something that I enjoy. But I was mistaken, doing that in many different ways made me depressed because I felt that I wasn’t being all of who I am, I wasn’t really creating something new. I was just doing what everyone else wanted me to do.

However, in the times where I let my creativity free (more so when I was growing up) I notice that I would put things together that didn’t really make sense or belong, somehow doing things “my way” always made me feel like a true creator and an artist. Being an artist is not making a picture pretty for me, it’s accessing that core part of you that knows all and spreading that out in a way that makes sense to the artist themselves.

That is what I was missing, I was so hung up on what everyone else was already doing, and insisted on doing things in everyone else’s way that I truly lost myself. Being an individual is tough because we’re not taught to be truly ourselves. We can have a personality on some level but we’re expected to do things like everyone else. That is the biggest problem I have in life.

I don’t like doing things that is expected, in fact I was meant to stick out and be different. As much as I love to be different, it’s a really tough job to do because you face a lot of adversity and self-doubt. This self-doubt has prevented me from showing my own greatness for many years, and often clouded my true path. Which is one of the major reasons why I floundered in life for many years.

But seeing the true reason (or one of) why I’m on this planet and one of the major reasons why my life always seems to be a battle within my heart, I know what to do and expect. I know now there is nothing wrong with me, I was just blessed with this energy that isn’t meant to blend in with what’s normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the way I do things, I just have to trust that my way will take me to where I need to go. There is nothing wrong with my life, I was just mislead to think that my life is supposed to look a certain way.

One of the biggest blessings I’ve gotten this year (and I had a lot) is knowing that being different is my way of life, not because I “chose it” but because “I am it.” And no matter how much I try to fool myself or others my difference and rebellious nature will take over, showing me that I’m not being who I really am, but being what I think I have to be to “fit in.” Thank god however, that isn’t the reason why I’m here.

I’m here to blaze trails and possibly raise hell in places that people would least expect, but at least I know what I’m doing and why, it makes my life that much easier.

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Vision 63: The Power Inside Me

I’ve been finding my power in a lot of ways this year, but one has caught me off guard. It’s that wild and instinctual spirit inside me. The one that everyone told me to avoid, to not engage in and to resist to stay pure and innocent.

The funny part about that is this power greeted me. I didn’t want to interact with it because of my own beliefs about it. Most of which was from society and what I learned about power growing up. I thought it was dangerous, that my earthy and animalistic side to me was something I had to overcome. It was lower, not worthy and had nothing good to give. Yet, I found so much love, true love for myself that I never felt before in my life. It’s not just the self-love that I’ve grown from this place that surprises me the most, but the cleansing effect it gives my life.

So much of my past, old energies and just limited beliefs where held up inside me, just sitting there. But once I finally stop resisting my own power, and finally engage with what the universe had graciously given me, the power to heal very old wounds came about. I felt so good dancing with this partner of mine.

She is so beautiful, wise and mysterious. She came to me in my most private moments, just waiting for me. As shocking as it was, I listen to what she had to say and good god was it amazing. I wish I wrote down everything she said but she told me truths about the real power that I had and how important for those powers to run free. Power like this can’t be resisted forever, it’s a divine gift that was meant to be experienced by those that are ready. And as much as I want to deny it, I was ready. That potential was always there, I was just mislead by the world about my own source of power.

I can’t explain everything in such a short amount of words of how I feel about this part of myself but I know that this is something I had no idea was waiting for me. Just to feel this surging power flow throughout my being is more than I can take sometimes. It makes me wonder why the world wanted to hide this away from me? As if they were protecting me from danger?

The most dangerous thing to do is hiding this in the first place, making me think that my own divinity is something to be ashamed of. It can be considered unholy by those that see others abuse this power but why damn the whole concept when a few others took it for granted. Moreover, I can understand why this power was “hidden” from the conscious eye. If everyone had access and can control their own power, this world would be a much different place.

We wouldn’t walk around expecting others to give to us what we can only give to ourselves. We wouldn’t be so quick to give our everything to everyone, and we would be a lot more powerful physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is what my wild and fearless spirit is trying to tell me, I have all these gifts but they are hidden by the limited beliefs of my own culture and species. I have to explore these magical places within myself and embrace my own being along with them.

She taught me that in this unique journey, there is nothing to be afraid of in this “dark” place that people told me about. It’s safe, nurturing, grounding and magical. It’s nothing what people have been telling me for years.

It’s much more powerful than that, and it’s something that I have complete access and control of. Which scares the absolute shit out of people, and why they choose to hide it in the first place.

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Vision 62: Emotional Mood Manager

I just did some EFT work and I feel so amazing. For a long time now, slowly, I was building up a really frustrated energy inside myself. Energy of resentment, anger, frustration and just suckiness. I was feeling this way because I felt I was responsible for my family’s feelings and moods. When they were angry about something it was my job to fix it somehow. I was following the role of the “good girl,” the one that would try to fix everything and make everyone happy.

This year I'm currently doing a lot of work on myself to keep my focus OFF of them and onto myself and my life, but gradually, that focus became bigger and bigger once again. In fact, a lot of my old isms came back across the board. I wasn’t happy with myself being an artist because I was a “failure,” I’m trying to make a program but I’m focused on making it perfect. I’m wanting more money and change because I want to escape my (drunken) family life. All of my actions and reactions is based on old fears and programming, and a lot of what I was doing to ease them was either making me resist it more, or just not working as effectively. It was just a struggle.

But this morning, a lot of that anger starting to bubble up despite my calm morning, I just couldn’t help it. After hearing my sister giving her puppy away to the SPCA in a few days, her crying, her woes and how everything is “fucked up” in the last few weeks I just wanted to scream. Again, it felt like I wanted to jump in and save her from herself, to make her happy (or shut up) and manage her emotions. Yet, I’m really bad at it, I can barely manage my own sometimes, yet I expect to get the job done for my own family, it’s insane! I do things in hope that it would make things better yet nothing changes, she still drinks, get upset and not really change her life, she just flounders, thus my resentment grows.

I was so angry and resentful for my family not changing when I’m doing so much in my own life, I didn’t know what to do. I want them to change to make my own life better, I want them to change for me more than for themselves, I’m selfishly caring about my own emotions more and more. I want my life to be awesome and great and I feel that they are shitting all over it. I know that is not true, are lives is our own but again the old isms were back in full swing. I wanted and did blame them for my life’s short comings, and in trying to change them without any luck I starting to resent them for it. Not good.

So in my round of EFT, I discovered I was again still playing the role of the emotional mood manager, and come to find out I really suck at it! In fact, even if I was being paid for it, I would get fired on the spot! It’s nearly impossible to make someone happy no more than it is to take control and make their whole life a happy one! I just don’t have the tools, power or know how to do that sort of work. I wasn’t made for the job at all.

However, I am made for my own purpose of joy, love, creativity and freedom. I have everything and more to not only do a good job but to spread it to others through my wake! Yet, I can’t even come close to do that because of the same job and title I keep playing out. So I decided to quit that job as the emotional mood manager and finally take up my inborn role and purpose in joy! And gosh does that feel good!

After that round of EFT (and clearing out that role out of my body, DNA and energy bodies) I felt a “cleansing” in myself as if I really did clear out that role! Even hearing my sister having a hard time I didn’t feel that “ting” to want to jump in and save her! I felt completely fine, and even better, I felt super happy remembering my true purpose in joy in spite of it!

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Vision 61: Feeling Like a Domesticated Human

I want to be free, I want to be free of the stresses that the modern life constantly inscribes us with. I want to be free of the pressures of trying to prove myself to everyone around me. I want to be free of the pressure of trying to look good and “happening” on the internet, constantly posting pictures and preaching about how good life is.

What’s the point of it all, it’s making less sense to me.

For some time now, I have been going outside in nature more. Enjoying the stillness and being-ness that we don’t experience in our homes. Everything is about the next job, school, goal, lover, child, success, failure, follower, plan, day, fashion, TV show and quite frankly shit I really don’t care about.

I have been indulging and wishing for so many things that has little to no real impact on my life that I’m convinced that the school system and society has domesticated my truly wild and free spirit.

To be honest, I want to live out in the wild, I want to experience what is it to be truly connected to the earth and others. I want to embrace myself as a child of the universe and stretch my skills and talents like I never have before. I want to shine, I want to be me, I just want way more than what I was taught in my life. Knowing who you are and knowing your true potential rather than living in the perspective of others, I see why young children are so disconnected from the “real world.” They haven’t been broken in yet to the beliefs and negative mindset that says “you have to do things in a certain way or you’re a failure, weirdo or unworthy.”

I hate so much that I let myself be brainwashed by my schooling, parents, peers, the media and every other influence that tries to keep me “in line,” to apparently keep me safe from harm. The biggest harm to me is losing your wild spirit to those that doesn’t know better. To stop shining because we were taught it’s wrong to show off, to stop feeling because “it’s weak,” to stop dreaming so big because it’s “unrealistic.” I’m tired of it all and the constant messages that says that you have to be a certain way because of your background, race, where you grew up in and just bullshit that doesn’t matter.

What I’m saying is I’m angry that I want way more than I think anyone around me could try to explain. I’m angry because I feel like I want to live in the woods, get a companion wolf and just live as who I really am. I’m angry because I love what I have and everything it has done for me, yet I so desperately want to move far away from it. As much as I love this life at this time period, I know it’s not me.

I’m not sure why, but I just feel it, that real shining part of myself that is connected to all things. It keeps nudging me to go outside, to eat more natural things, to run, jump and play with the animals, to forgo meaningless goals and get real and deep with what matters. It wants to be validated so bad but I’m resisting a lot by being angry. At how I’m not letting myself be who I really am, but blaming society and those around me that convinced me that I was a “civilized human.”

I don’t want to be a civilized human anymore, I feel like a caged animal and I feel so much power inside myself that wants to burst out it’s emotionally painful. I want to cry…

I want to be free, I want to travel the world, I want to dig my hands into the earth, I want to start praising the earth like my ancestors from the divine did. I feel like I never belonged in this planet in the first place, I feel like an adoptee, just dropped here to see how everything was doing.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it, where I am now, torn between who I knew myself as a “human” and the precious super powerful being that I know that I am. The pull is so strong now to just “be myself” that I can barely take it, and all I can do is get mad and angry so I can feel like someone is stopping me.

No one is stopping me but myself, and I have to get really honest with myself in this situation. Who do I want to be? What do I need to change to finally be on the road where I feel like myself? What do I need to cultivate in myself to make me feel like I’m not being brainwashed by the world? I have a lot of thinking to do, but that is just for me to keep myself in limbo, what I need to do is accept.

To accept I’m not what I think I always was and trust it, no matter what it may bring. I have to trust that wild spirit within me and follow it in the dark woods inside my soul, it knows what it’s talking about. I have to let go of the domesticated part of myself, and finally be the wild sunlit warrior that was always swimming within me.

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Vision 60: Al-anon

Yesterday was my first Al-anon meeting. Something that I wanted to do for a very long time but after a lot of setbacks in the last week, I was finally able to go.

It was really scary, even though I was excited to go. I was fearful and didn’t know what to expect. I honestly wanted to keep a distance from everyone, I was emotionally and even spirituality separating myself from the group. After hearing everyone stories; however, I had the courage to share my own which wasn’t easy.

Within a few seconds I was crying really bad, it hurt so much to know how much my mom’s addiction has changed the person I thought I never was. It’s painful to know that your own family caused such a deep rift in yourself. It’s something that I’m honestly pissed about even though I want to forgive. I’m not sure if I’m in that place quite yet because I’m starting to feel more resentment than forgiveness these days.

I just want peace, I just want calm but that is nearly impossible being in a chaotic environment, the arguments, power struggles, pain, money issues and just the drinking itself takes away all of that, and it sucks. I don’t want to dive too deep into the negativity of this, but I am realizing that I’m way too accepting of the way things are. And I’ve been way too passive in the past towards action to change myself than to change others. The hardest part is always knowing that “this” might never change and if I don’t do something, I’m always going to be in it. That is what I resent the most, the fact that even though I have nothing to do with what goes wrong, I still stuffer none the less. I feel like it should be my family that should stuffer, or even more so. I want them to feel how I feel. To feel everything, every emotion, every pain, every bad thought, all of my internal struggles and feelings of being judged.

I hate that I have sat here and let myself be turned into a self-loathing being, hoping and wishing that someone somewhere will save me from all of this, or that my family will care enough to change. I feel so broken over that because it was the illusionary promise that was never kept. It was all a lie, and if I knew sooner I probably would of done something just as fast.

The meeting, even though it brought up a lot of pain and even more realization of the situation that I’m in, gave me a place where I can be honest with other people that understands how I feel. A part of me wanted to dismiss the whole thing thinking that our focus on the negativity will only keep me in struggle even longer, but that voice didn’t sound loving at all. It was myself wanting to isolate myself again and hope that I can make it without any help; that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want to be like everyone else and was prone to pain like this. I wanted to be stronger than that, but that honesty got me nowhere, I’m in even more pain because of it.

I want to give this all that I got because I’ll never find that kind of support here. I also have to be really honest with myself and not give excuses on how I’m feeling and the impact my good meaning family does do to me. I have to think about myself very selfishly and give no explanation why. I have to keep moving forward and hope that things change even faster than I could imagine and even more so because I got more support to keep myself moving.

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