Vision 24: Giving my Dreams another Chance

(I originally wrote this last week) In the last few days since being presented to start finding and pursuing my dreams again, a lot of fear has come up. The fear that I will lose my security of trying to find a job, the fear that my dreams might not work out or that it won’t be perfect.

But my loving guide Joe reminded me that “There is never a good enough excuse to not follow your dreams!” And I can only say, “I should be the one saying that!” I’m the one that gives those “I had a dreams speeches” to people; however, when it comes to my own dreams and aspirations I’ve grown very quiet.

You see, I remembered my first dream which I call my “original dream” because it was the first one where I had a knowingness, almost an intuitive feeling that this is what will really make me happy. Even if I didn’t make a lot of money or fame, somehow I knew that this was right for me. I remember closing my eyes and playing the “what if” game and saw a very beautiful dream of creating a small online shop where I sell my handmade goods.

I saw many others doing it online and absolutely loved the idea of doing it myself, so I took a risk to follow my dreams and thus a true road of discovery was undertaken. However, in the years to come, even in the beginning, my dream turned into an obsession with success and perfection. Which then warped my true (and a whole lot simpler) dream.

I remembered my original dream only one or two days ago. There was no real plans of success (at least to a grand scale), to take over the world or become the first to do something great… All I wanted to do is to create with my hands, package it up and send it to people for an exchange of money. It was nothing like I turned it into for years upon years where I wanted to do something a lot more complex and time consuming. I have no idea what happened, but that dream was buried under a lot of crap, thus making it impossible to see anything else than the superficial goals I thought I wanted and needed to achieve.

So when Joe reminded me of how I had everything I possibly needed (and more actually) to start and achieve my dream, and that my fears and need for perfection was only an excuse, I had nothing to say. I literally couldn’t think of ANYTHING to rebuttal the clear facts he handed to me on a silver platter.

You have no more excuses, so what now?

I guess to swallow the fear and just do it… What is there left to do, honestly?

I don’t want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder because I couldn’t make my dreams come true, or deny my passion for dreams anymore. I’m simply nothing without my dreams; I’m a girl that needs her dreams to be whole. Even if they turn into something else.

The fun and adventure of following my dreams is something I love more than anything, even with the year’s worth of disappointments. I need my dreams, there is no doubt about it.

I need my dreams…

So after about 40 or so minutes of my guide drilling in my head how badly I need to fulfil my own dreams despite EVERYTHING, I decided to push my fears aside, realize that I’m truly in the perfect circumstance and start following and building my original dream again!

It starts now; the time is perfect…

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Vision 23: Revisiting My Dreams

This has been such an insane and intense week in all the right ways. Beautiful guidance, twin flame energies, intense intuitive guidance and a sudden burst of interest in using the angel cards again.  One of the things however that I found “strange” yet deliciously exciting was being urged to find my dreams again.

This happened after I did a tarot reading for myself where they strongly suggested that I create a foundation in my life where I can basically focus on my dreams. So I can have a true “vision” of what I want my life to be like.

Admittedly, I have shut down my dreams. I use to be a such a strong advocate for following your dreams and I still am… But that sparkle, intense passion and that “fighter spirit” has been somewhat put out.

After an awful 2013 of following my own dreams (at least what I thought were dreams) of growing my business and becoming a life coach of some sort, I felt completely defeated and even embarrassed to be honest. I thought that somehow my dreams would of came through if I put enough time and effort in it but all I got was a huge headache, wild goose chases and a lot of false hope.

After that point, I found it simpler to just find a nine-to-five (still looking actually), buckle down and find smaller bits of pieces of my life that was left that I fairly enjoyed. I pretty much downgraded my own visions and dreams (along with what I could do in life) and even felt resentment towards those dreams. It felt like a joke to think I could or even wanted to achieve those dreams. Because of that, I feel now that having a “dream,” at least for myself, is dicey business. I don’t know if I’ll realize it, if it will be fruitful or I’ll endlessly fail time and time again till I’m at rock bottom.

Writing all of this now, I feel a lot of anger. Towards life and everyone… For tossing me dead ends and endless battles for something I now know wasn’t much of a dream but a hope of getting out of a bad situation. Even then, I had so much hope for the future that I carried on, even if it hurt and I still ended up barely together.

I HATE the fact that last year was so shitty, that my life went to the shitter and yet, I still had the hope of creating something better only for it to come crashing down so hard that I wasn’t sure what was really left for me. I hate it, I really do and I never thought I held that much resentment towards last year and my dreams as I do now. I feel like I trusted myself and the universe but was severely disappointed.

Maybe that’s why I shut down my dreams and didn’t plan to make new ones. It all felt like a lie and deep inside I didn’t want to face the hard truth of my real feelings towards the past. I just wanted an escape from really bad circumstances and having a bigger and better business felt like the perfect way to do that. I read so many stories of others doing the same thing I figured it should work for me too, but it didn’t. I was misled by my obsession with success thinking it would change life around me for the better. I’m seeing that on an even deeper level now and how that blocked me from finding my true path in life.

Since then, I found things I would like to experience and do, but they were far from actual dreams. Thus I have no real “vision” for my life, just things I would like to do and the cards picked that up perfectly. I feel that pull and tug to let my dreams out once again and I even realized new ones today (before I found all this resentment towards the past mind you) but I have that thorn in my side that needs to be taken out.

I know now is the right time and I can’t wait for it to just “happen.” I really have to push myself and make myself see how dear and important my dreams are. Not just the ones that gave me false hope because I was coming from a place of lack and fear, but the real and true ones of what I would like to become one day. I still can have those dreams and many others but I have to stop resenting the past and see that life was just showing me the way.

I have to stop being so angry at myself for this because if I knew better I would of done better. I guess a part of me wished that things would of turned out differently so I feel more deserving in life. Having last year the way it went made me feel lower than dirt; it didn’t feel like I deserved anything more but negativity because somehow I wasn’t “more” than a failure in all fronts in my own eyes.

I have to stop telling that story, it might of felt that way but certainly it wasn’t what the universe intended for me. If I didn’t have that experience, I don’t know where I would be or how I would feel truly inside. Because of that downturn in life I was able to uncover a lot more in my current upturn. Where I’m truly finding myself again and how I work in relation to the outside world, there is no price for that.

So, I’m sorry for punishing you, my dreams, myself and life. It might seem cruel but you were the teachers that was just leading me down the path of least resistance and authenticity, and I can’t blame you for that. I was simply just a wannabe of a lot of falsehood (though I didn’t see it at the time) and you all turned me into something much greater than that… Myself, my real self that I’m starting to really know again.

And that feels so good to me, thank you so much life, my dreams and myself, you did a good job…  

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Vision 22: Mental Madness

My mind has been a bit everywhere lately. I guess that is due to all the things that I feel like I need and want to do. Gosh, I have no idea when life became an intensely busy activity. Not enough time for all the things we have to do. Which has me thinking, or more aware of that maybe I set myself to do too many things to do, too many standards to do these things in, and just too much worrying about them all… Or something. Maybe my brain is just in overdrive because I’ve been off my internal schedule for a few days because of a fun sleep over with a friend.

I want to catch up on my money class assignments, I want to write more for my Kawaii Lifestyle blog, I need to relearn my now rusty Korean, I need to get in the habit of drawing more, my online shop needs a new name and branding, I need to change my business email, I’m still concerned about my job hunt and how going to my local anime convention (that’s in the next town) is going to work out. This is all a bit too much and I’m not sure how it got that way… It just seems like I started to lag in one area and things starting to pile up everywhere.

Even so, I just have a lot on my plate and I’m starting to take on too much all in one time. I know I can do some things today and others the next, but I have the mindset that everything needs to get done in one morning. It’s fucking insane! Why all of a sudden everything is so vital for my wellbeing?! And why do my amount of busyness equals to some type of achievement? Yeah, I may do a lot, and it feels good to be that way so I don’t feel lazy but I’m paying for it by being burnt out and tired. I had enough of that in my life already.

Not to mention my mind can go far ahead and just cause havoc when I don’t keep it in check, mediate or write out my feelings (like now). It can become a bit too much when in reality things are nowhere near as dire. I guess I’m wanting to get my mental and mind straighten out so I don’t feel like my life is just the next thing I need to do. But an internally rich experience where I can pick and choose to do things that means a lot to me and see where those things go. Well then… That sounded like the perfect answer.

Just that fast my life was more about “getting things done” than “what fills me positivity.” I told myself when I started this blog that I won’t be able to fit everything I would want to say in one page so don’t aim for it haha. I guess that philosophy needs to move towards my life as well. I won’t be able to do everything I want in one day or even one life time so don’t aim for it, but have fun and do what I’m drawn to do. The things that I don’t get to, just let it go and that time will come.

I guess my point being, I forgot what life was supposed to mean to me in this new positive light of 2014. My internal world, me expressing myself and just having a good time in the present and not freaking out over everything. That is not a life I want to live anymore for obvious reasons.

Now I feel a lot better getting all that mental clutter out of my head. It’s vital for me to understand that writing is what causes my mind to become at ease because I’m not keeping everything in memory. I don’t have that much conscious room so it can get crowned easily (within 2-3 days). So yeah, it was time for a major clean up and for me to do one of my favorite things, blogging!

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Vision 21: Helping too Much?

My guide Ouroboros have given me a lot to think about this morning while I was channeling him. He mentioned how much energy I invest into helping people around me and how that is affecting my own life.

It’s funny, I was thinking about a similar concept about where I am to where the ones closest to me are, and how I like to drag them up to where I am. Even though this can be a great thing, it can turn into a burden easily.

I love being able to be there for people, especially my friends. I love teaching and showing people how they can expand in their lives and get to where they want to go. But I do see a trend where I might not be willing to see that “where they are is where they are” and that I have to have that level of detachment of their growth and path.

I don’t know what it is, but my pace seems to go a lot faster than I even realize, and when I’m at a certain pace/thought/growth/place in my life, I assume other people should be there too. Sometimes, honestly speaking, I can get easily frustrated with people because I don’t seem to understand why they are still struggling with the same issues for a really long time, especially if I’ve been “guiding” them the whole way through.

I often have to stop myself and think from a bigger perspective. They don’t know what I know, they are not on the same exact path and they are where they are and it’s perfect. I do the same things too in life. I don’t always know the right answer, path or whatever it is for me to get out of the sticky situation I’m in, so I get stuck for a while.

I guess the real “answer” and the thing that Ouroboros is trying to convey to me is that I need to stop inputting so much energy in other people where it can be more productive for myself. To respect where people are in their lives and not feel obligated to push them to where I am. That is hard for me to hear because I so naturally drag people out of their issues provided that the person is willing to go there. It just comes naturally, and I’m not sure why. So trying to reverse that thinking and mindset will be pretty interesting, that and I’m curious how much this need to help people really does affect my life.

I can say that it doesn’t affect my life in a negative sense but maybe if I stopped thinking so much about other people, their issues and ways to help them and believe and trust they can do it on their own, I can find more time and resources for myself. A part of me feel that it’s wrong but I know this is truly the right thing. When I put things in a higher perspective, maybe my need to help other people comes from looking at myself where I wasn’t at my greatest point and doing all that I can to save “her.”

Not to say that I’m only thinking about myself, that is not the case, I see people as they are. But that similar “pain point” is what drives me so hard to save “anyone” that I feel familiarly with. I think that is what keeps my past alive when I’m actively changing my present and future.

A lot of the past have been creeping up on me and had me thinking about how much I changed for the better. But I think it was more of a wakeup call to finally stop indulging and relating the past to my current present and just move on to bigger and better things. One of the biggest ways I can do that is let go of that need to save people from themselves and issues. I can still be there of support but that should be my only role, support, not a driving force for them to change…

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Vision 20: Money Love List #6

Since I started the Money class, I’ve been working quite a bit on my relationship with money. A part of changing that relationship I made daily activities to help activate those good feelings associated with getting more money, thus I started a daily Money Love List. Just like my original Love List, I write down ten things that I love about money or things related to abundance. It’s really fun and it helps me feel good about money. Anyway, this is my 6th list (I started this days ago) and I hope you feel just as good reading it as I did!

1.    I love the new orders I get from my shop everyday

2.    I’m so grateful for the extra money I received and the money I have currently!

3.    I love feeling free from my resistance of money

4.    I love all the ideas of the things I can buy with my money

5.    I feel grateful for my gifts that brings in more money to me!

6.    I love feeling empowered to have money

7.    I love the expansive feeling I get from thinking about money

8.    I love to adore and appreciate money

9.    I love feeling like a princess with money

10.    I love my new money story that makes me feel rich and abundant!

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Vision 19: Healing Money Wounds

 Last Monday I started a money manifesting class and the results so far have been amazing! It’s not just abundance showing up for me and my family, but I’m finally facing my fears with money.

For a long time I thought that having a lot of money was bad to put it simply, and that having or even “wanting” more was bad and selfish. In all the years that I’ve been working the Law of Attraction in my life the idea of wanting and desiring more money brought in more pain than pleasure. However, in the last few days of engaging with physical money, visualizing and even writing new money stories for myself, that belief started to come to the surface till I fully realized it. It was a complete A-HA moment and a damn good one too. One that I truly needed:

In my attempts to attract more money I always felt deep inside that I couldn’t love, want or desire money because it was inherently bad. That you were greedy, selfish and taking much more than your fair share if you desired money. This showed up in how I perceived others as well because when I would see coaches talking about money, 6-figure businesses, their lifestyle and high priced services I would get pissed. Not only pissed at them but at myself for not being able to afford the help I needed and wanted.

It was a flat out lose-lose situation and I hated it even when I tried to change my perspective about them. It worked for some time where I did enjoy hearing from my favorite heart-centered businesswomen but the truth was I didn’t think it was okay for me to be where I’m at, struggling just to make $10, while seeing these women talk about money as if it was coming out of thin air.

It felt like life wasn’t fair and that I would always be broke, frustrated and struggling. Luckily, I stopped chasing after the next money-love-bliss-transformer-coach and started to truly focus on my life and issues.

Now, dealing with those money issues, I’m beginning to see where I went wrong in trying to gain more abundance in my life. It was the feeling of not being worthy or feeling bad for liking or desiring money that kept it away from me. In that place of lack I felt like I had to control life and chase the money down through all sorts of means. Doing processes like mediations, going into past life bullshit, EFT, positive thinking and etc is nice but I wasn’t “facing” the real issue which was my own negative feelings. I just kept wanting a quick fix and constantly finding coaches that promised the world for thousands of dollars wasn’t helping either. At the end of the day I felt broken, like something was wrong with me.

But all of that is starting to change with being truly honest with myself, focusing on the positive, listening to my guides and joining this money class that I found on a whim. My deepest issues are starting to heal. And little by little I’m seeing evidence that my commitment towards fixing my issues with money is working. I’ve found coins, been handling a lot of $20 bills lately, feeling more positive about money, been given much needed house supplies from family and even hearing stories of my immediate family getting more money and discounts!

It has been pretty damn amazing, and I couldn’t be happier with the results that I’m seeing so far. Not only that but with healing my money issues I feel that I’m getting closer to meeting my twin flame as well! But that story will be for another blog post haha!

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Vision 18: My Old Money Story

Today (2/18/14) I found out that I’m still attached to the idea that someone else has to deem me worthy enough to have money. This hurts me because for a very long time, even for most if not all of my life, I felt powerless when it comes to money. Whether I earned, attracted, manifested, asked for it or otherwise, I feel that I’m at the mercy of another force. I truly have no power over money and it shows in my entire life.

Only till now did I realize this because in a few bouts of frustration over my money slowly disappearing, I couldn’t help but to feel that nothing has shifted in that area. In the time that I have been changing my lifestyle, focusing more on me and my inner world, I quietly refused to face my issues with money. I figured if I don’t stir up any momentum, focus on lack or think negatively about it, that somehow money will find its way home to me. To a certain extent that IS true, but the problem with me is that I have so much god damn resistance that those rather small acts to change my vibration is simply isn’t strong enough to create real lasting change.

It’s not enough to simply say a few good feeling affirmations, I now realize that as I’ve been changing my life in big ways, I have to do the same with money. And god I hate to even think about it because money caused me so much pain no matter what area it’s in. Business, jobs, thinking about it, trying to manifest it, talking about it, family issues, student loans and especially looking at other people with money… No matter what angle I’m in relationship to it, I feel like money constantly grabs me by the balls and I can’t help but to submit to it.

While I was  playing video games contemplating the source of this really heavy and blatant truth, I realized that my relationship with my father is the root cause of this. Now, I always knew that money, my dad and I wasn’t the best mix and contributed to some limited beliefs but I then realized how damaging that relationship really was.

My dad is very generous by nature, but I always had a really hard time asking him for money because when he gets angry he would immediately throw it in my face or anyone that asked or supported him.
Writing this now I see how I got those mixed messages early on about money. A lot of the time when I asked he would give me the money no problem even though I had a hard time asking, yet sometime however long later it was wrong of me to take from him because somehow I was being lazy or wasn’t doing enough for him. Ouch… I’m actually getting emotional so I know this IS the cause of all my money (and deep emotional) pain.

Earlier, before I realized the money relationship with my dad, I knew on a more conscious level that my worthiness was tied to money. The fact I couldn’t make money made me feel really bad deep inside… And the reason for that is the way my dad treated me and my family when he got angry. Honestly, it was like we were nothing but a burden and lower than dirt to him because of whatever my dad was angry about. I was really young when this started (or that I can remember) and for it to continue up till last year when I finally cut my father off is about two decades of the same constant mixed messages. Moreover, two decades that I felt entirely unworthy to ask, receive or have money because I needed someone (my dad or another random force) to make me feel that it’s okay to have money, especially my own.

Right now, as I’m writing this, I’m NOT okay with having money because… I’m just not. There is so much energy in that whole ordeal that I feel numb on the inside. I just know that if I could, I would never want to have or desire money again because it’s been so painful when I had it or didn’t have it.

From this small root that my dad planted in me sprouted a giant oak tree busting with so many branching paths that only contributed why money is bad, I’m not good enough for it and that somehow, even if I suffer, I’m better without it. Thus my life is the way it is when it comes to money. And right now, I’m pretty fucking angry about it, but that rant is for another day.

I just know that now I can move on to the solution now that I know the problem. Because for years it just seemed like a huge wall that I could never get over, and that there was no one single issue with money that I could really shift in a positive direction. Everything always stayed the same even if my mindset changed for the better… But now I know. It was the deep rooted problems with my father that I needed to address, not the surface stuff that spawned from it.

So now, I’m deciding to end this “way of life” and claim my power back when it comes to money…

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