Vision 47: The Caterpillar

As I laid down on my back and stared into the starry black sky of my popcorn ceiling I unloaded my feelings about myself to the universe.

The person I am becoming, the person that I am, and the person I was… Who is that person, who am I really?

Ever since I discovered  myself being agender and not resonating or identifying as a female, things have changed… In fact a lot has changed. Changed in ways I never thought possible, but gave me incredible freedom that I probably would of never found if not for this huge personal discovery.

The person that I was is like the caterpillar: meek, small, soft spoken, shy and kept to herself. The person that I was will always and forever be a brilliant person, I often saw and felt the power of my own vitality but somewhere along the line I kept it under wraps. I didn’t want to stir up trouble, I didn’t want to bother with trying to convince others about my own power, I often found it easier to just stay in the background than risk it all putting myself out there. Admittedly, I felt like a coward in my life but that sounds a bit too harsh because no one is perfect.

However, I did wish I had the courage to do the things that I wanted to do. To simply respond to another person’s comment on the street, to dance in front of others when the street bands were playing, to just simply be who I felt inside in front of others. Not feel the need to guard myself at every chance I got because I was afraid of the outcome. That I would be embarrassed, shamed, teased or otherwise. I wanted to not care, I wanted to leave that old self behind but once I convinced myself enough and the opportunity came, more than likely I shrunk back into the shadow of my authentic self.

Strangely enough, identifying as agender and accepting my dominate masculine energy gave me permission to be the person I always wanted to be. To not be afraid of people, to put myself out there, to have more fun and to be even more spontaneous. Maybe it’s just me but I never felt so open and myself before.  It’s as if that person was hidden all this time, I felt him clearly but somehow he was still sleeping waiting to be reawaken at the right time.

Sometimes I think about why now and not 6 months or even 6 years ago, but the world has an odd way of working out. And to be honest, this time would be the best if any simply due to the fact I’m finding myself and my personal power like I never had before.

What if he woke up before his time? Would I be even more confused, would I be around the people that accepts me as that person as easily as my friends and family do now? Would I even have the resources and knowledge that I have now to support the transition between the women that I thought I was to the being I know I am. Would my chosen purpose would be as clear back then as it is in this moment.

Honestly, I don’t think so…

Like all things in life, as random and chaotic as it all seems we’re all due for order, and when the right things meet in the middle magic happens because the timing couldn’t have been better. I surely couldn’t of micromanage this “becoming” of who I really am and what is in store for me.

But now my work is to get to know this person, to love this person and to support this person like I never did in my past. Though I loved the person that I was , the person that I am now is the person I’m supposed to be at this very moment.

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Vision 46: Money Love List #54

 

It's been a super long time since I posted any of my Love Lists (thus why the number shot up lol) and I find posting my love lists really fun, so here is the one I just did recently!

1. Thank you for the money that I currently have, it’s more than enough
2. I enjoy thinking about money in my hands
3. I love feeling the freedom of having more than enough money
4. I enjoy living abundantly
5. There is so much money around me to be found
6. I’m grateful for all the experiences I can afford with my money
7. I enjoy shopping with ease with my money
8. I love saving money on my shopping trips
9. People give me money all the time and I love it
10. I enjoy my life being supported by my money

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Vision 45: When You Find It

When you find that thing that you were meant to do, it always feel so right and true. So many years I’ve been searching for my “thing” but it was right here since the day I was born, my artistic ability and my desire to express myself.

I looked long and hard outside myself because I felt my talents wasn’t  enough, I needed validation from others, money or some sort of result to prove to me that “this was my purpose.” That my purpose is what the world needed from me to be a better place. I see now that purpose isn’t the result of doing something that you love or are called to do, but simply being and doing what you love to do because it gives you joy.

No strings attached, no gaining some type of outcome, not making it a popularity contest, just simply doing what you were meant to do, something that you love to do, something that fills you up and nurtures you in your body and in your soul.

Purpose isn’t what we’ve been told a thousand times from books, movies and gurus, it’s simply doing what you were always drawn to and it doesn’t need the outside standards to be real or purposeful. You don’t even need to live a “happy life,” you simply need to love what you do, do it because you love it, and never stop doing it.

I stopped drawing for many reasons but I didn’t give up on it, I kept drawing and creating even if it meant taking on a whole new different medium. I kept creating during the search for my thing not knowing I was doing it all this time.

Even though I pride myself on my spiritual and psychic skills, I always considered myself an artist first before anything. That is what I always knew and did, it came naturally and I never remembered a time where I didn’t create in some form… It’s just strange (and ironic) how bad I wanted to know who I was, what I was meant to do and why I came to this world, and while I searched long and hard for it, it was the thing I did most.

 Create and express myself…

I thought that my purpose, or purpose in general, was supposed to be laced with a business plan with lots of people being helped and benefiting from your talents. I thought it was supposed to be the thing that people came to you for the most. I thought that purpose was so much more than it really is and my twisted understanding hid the truth that my soul already knew… It’s crazy.

Purpose isn’t a big thing, in fact it’s the most basic thing in life like breathing and eating; we just label it as a big thing because we’re taught that it has to be big. It’s simply doing what you love because you love it, whatever else comes after that is extra. Don’t let the results or lack thereof influence what you’re chosen path in life is, because you do get the choose after all.

So don’t search for it, don’t demand for it, don’t ask god or the universe to gift you with it because you’re probably doing it right now but are too consumed with the “need” of it to see it clearly.

Purpose isn’t “purpose,” it’s simply doing what you love and enjoy with no strings attached and letting the world go by as you’re doing it.

Purpose is simple, purpose is love, purpose is unconditional but it’s not what most of us think it’s supposed to be. Just do what you love and never stop doing it and you’ll be living your purpose perfectly…

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Vision 44: Life Purpose?

Lately, I’ve been feeling confused about what my purpose is, or more specifically, what I should be doing with it.

For the last few years I’ve been chasing this goal of having my own business in the intuitive arts. I’ve been doing oracle cards in those years but I wanted to do more with my talents than just the cards. When I finally had the courage to change my readings into something I was more passionate about, I felt that god damn forsaken feeling of letting it go again…

Once I settle into something for a short few months the universe suddenly wants me to jump ship and find something else to do. I’m really getting tired of the games, the chasing and the dreams of having some stability and security in something that I think could be my purpose.

It’s making me think that this huge topic of purpose is just something humans hang onto for the sake of direction in their lives, to feel like a bigger force is guiding them when in fact there is no such thing (as far as purpose is concerned) and we’re simply too complex to be truly free of will. Sounds a bit cynical and in this moment I am being quite cynical but when you’ve been chasing down, trying to find and live your purpose for about 10 years you stop taking it seriously.

I’m questioning it because for as long as I ever known it to be a life purpose and my passion to find and live mine, the universe, energies or whatever you want to call it always shifts it into something else. For many years I thought I found my purpose only to find it’s just a passing phrase or it's simply wasn’t it. Maybe I got a little piece of knowledge from said "purpose" but it’s not something I want to do anymore.

I don’t know what the fuck my purpose is, or at least how it’s supposed to look like or what the fuck I should do with it. And the fact I still want this outside force to suddenly gift me with “purpose” pisses me off even more. Why should I wait or even assume that it has to come in that type of package, what right does anyone or entity have to tell me that “this” is what I need to do.

All I want to do is be happy, secure and safe. I want to pick one thing and do that for a really long time. Sounds so fucking simple but once I’m a good distance into it, just enough to feel like “maybe this is what I’m meant to do” something changes. Either my passion dies out, my taste for what I’m doing goes elsewhere or I find something else that I think is my “real” purpose (thus the cycles repeats again). It just never lasts and at this point I’m tired of trying to “find” purpose in life when I’m already here living in the world.

I’m starting not to care about helping others (as a career) or finding some type of way to make the world a better place (we’re not here to fix a broken world anyway). A lot of it stems from this social belief that you have to be useful to others or to the world to be valued and at this point I’m trying to shift those beliefs because I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on  others. I’m sure the world will manage anyway…

I’m just extremely frustrated over the one topic that’s been thrown in my face time and time again. And seeing other people living what they feel like is their purpose, living happily and just to me having it all makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

Why don’t I have a “thing,” why do I know my purpose but somehow it never shapes itself into something that lasts? Why do I even care, why is purpose so important? Is having and living through purpose an instinctual human thing or something constructed as we evolved to feel more useful (or otherwise)?

I don’t know, I don’t get it and I don’t know where I stand in it at this point…

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Vision 43: Self Love and Worthiness

I’m stuck in a rut today, I’ve been stuck in a rut since about last night.

I’m supposed to be showing myself self-love, like the real self-love. Not the dressing up pretty and getting stuff kind of self-love, but the kind that you truly feel in yourself. But all I done since last night was judge and criticized myself and I hate it.

I hate that I can’t even treat myself to $11 dollars’ worth of CDs without feeling that I spent too much on myself. That I should of saved more money, or just spent my money more wisely. I can’t understand why I can’t justify getting something that I wanted  without making myself feel guilty. Yet I can justify getting a $6 dollar ice cream cone which was in my mind, was totally worth it.

I thought that maybe I was getting ahead with this act of self-love but I’m seeing the real nasty stuff that I need to clean up. I’m still telling myself that I don’t need more, but just enough to get by. I’m still telling myself that if I hoard, guard against or keep at a distance what’s more than enough that means I’m a lot safer. I’m still telling myself that if I do too much with my money, spend too much or get things that I want to spend on it, when I don’t need too, people will judge me.

I’m starting to see the real roots of my insecurities, that same voice that keeps saying that I need to be humble and when a certain person or event comes around to tell me that I am worthy THEN I’ll be able to do whatever it is that I want to do.

It always boils down to staying on a certain level. To not get more than your “fair share” and to always give whatever extra you have to others. I’ve been in that mindset for most of my life and now that I’m starting to break out of it, or at least tell myself that it’s okay for me to have more, those old beliefs seemly got stronger. I’m still assuming that I’m not worthy because of some unseen force haven’t gifted me with it yet.

Sometimes society or just the way things are makes me sick. They tell you to follow the rules and to wait for some authority to give you a certain title before you’re worthy for more. You always have to achieve this, or have enough that before you’re good enough. You always have to be aware of others and put them first… And for what? For some worthless piece of shit prize of another person’s praises? For some random god to somehow grant you the life you “now” deserve. For your peers to look up to you as some type of pioneer or leader? It’s all bullshit, every single drop of it, and I’m so tired of thinking there is some invisible force, writing down all the things I could be doing wrong, waiting for the right moment to punish me.

Waiting for the right moment to snatch the rug right under me so I subconsciously keep myself from having life become too easy. Keeping myself from being truly happy, healthy, abundant and loved so that I’ll never experience those things being taken away. Because somewhere along the line I learned that those things were bad to have, plain and simple. The right way is to work hard, struggle, sacrifice and be humble and somehow when [insert random force] thought that you did enough, then you’ll be worthy for more… Funny enough the people that believes in that concept suffer more than anyone else…

I don’t want to be one of those people, and I won’t.

I don’t care what rules I break, I don’t want to live in the shadow of my greatness anymore because of some religious or social fear based bullshit. Give that shit to the people that want it, but I’m not one of them… Not anymore…

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Vision 42: What I Want to Invest In

Lately, I’ve been doing all I can to feel abundant and positive about money. Since joining the Money Money Money group and having that springboard knowledge and breakthroughs about my money relationship, I have way more tools on how to improve it.

So far I use visualizations, vision boards, storytelling, affirmations, meditation, journaling and playing with real physical money and so much more to conger the feeling of having money and more than enough of it. It’s been such a fun thing and I actually look forward to it in the morning. In all of that, I felt the need to write about what I wanted to invest my money in, because it’s not how you attract it that matters but how you spend it also.

What I want to invest my money in is my own freedom and all the activities I really want to do. I want to be able to move out and into my own bright, roomy and comfortable home. I love the shabby chic style so I would want to decorate my home in that fashion. I also love anime, cartoons video games and such so I want to make a really fun and comfortable living room area with a big TV and a shelf that houses all of my consoles and DVDs.

The kitchen would have tons of natural light and just the right size for me to cook all the things I would love to make. I actually talked about this in my shabby chic post I made last week.

What I really want to invest in is a business coach that can help me expand on my creative intuitive business and create a more fun and effortless way to bring money into my experience. I would invest a lot of money in my creative intuitive business because it’s something very close to my heart. In fact, I feel like it’s a part of my purpose and a great unused tool. I often combine my “need” for money with my “love” for my creative intuitive business that results in me stalling on what I really want to do with it. I procrastinate because I’m afraid of things not working out or that I won’t make any money to truly support myself…

This is so crazy! I felt the need to write down what I wanted to invest in (I felt that for a few days now actually), and when I started to talk about my business a huge light bulb went off! It’s like a shining key that’s saying “Use me! Use me” but I’ve internally stalled myself so much in really building it that I ignored it and fell back into my old story. The one business story where I’m unhappy with what I’m doing and nothing works. Yet, this year I created something that is so far from that story that inspires my whole life. I know this is something I want to do and do well, I’m just letting my own fears and limited thinking steer me away from that.

I’m thinking this was the universe’s way for me to realign to what I really want and REALLY invest my time and money in it. I really want to invest in this new business story and everything I am in it, because I know how much this would mean to me for this to work. To actually have a steady stream of people coming to me for my fun and playful readings and products!

So that is what I want to invest my money in (among other things for sure lol) and something I’m going to continue to work on for myself and my own happiness. I’m sure when I start working on something that I love the money will show up in really crazy ways!

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Vision 41: The Angel of The Inner Child

I’m currently making some angel artist trading cards to sell, something that I always wanted to do! Here is my first one, The Angel of The Inner Child, something that I was inspired to make yesterday but only got around to it today. I drew her holding a heart that represents the inner child, that untouched wild and connected part of us all.

The topic and the healing of the inner child came up a lot in the last 2 days so I’m sure the divine wanted me to channel that healing energy into this ATC. So if you’ve been working through some issues related to your childhood, inner child or any beliefs stemming from that part of your life, I highly recommend bringing this angel into your home!

I just got done the line art and I’m going to color it with colored pencils. If you’re interested in buying this angel ATC  before I post it in my shop send me a message! Each angel ATC comes with its own personal message as well so if you’re in need of guidance in relation to your inner child this will provide the answer for you!

I plan to make more angel ATCs with each angel representing a certain subject like love, abundance and etc so there will be lots more to come. If you’re interested in getting an angel ATC of your own guardian angel or guide you can go here to my shop to order one!

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