Vision 18: My Old Money Story

Today (2/18/14) I found out that I’m still attached to the idea that someone else has to deem me worthy enough to have money. This hurts me because for a very long time, even for most if not all of my life, I felt powerless when it comes to money. Whether I earned, attracted, manifested, asked for it or otherwise, I feel that I’m at the mercy of another force. I truly have no power over money and it shows in my entire life.

Only till now did I realize this because in a few bouts of frustration over my money slowly disappearing, I couldn’t help but to feel that nothing has shifted in that area. In the time that I have been changing my lifestyle, focusing more on me and my inner world, I quietly refused to face my issues with money. I figured if I don’t stir up any momentum, focus on lack or think negatively about it, that somehow money will find its way home to me. To a certain extent that IS true, but the problem with me is that I have so much god damn resistance that those rather small acts to change my vibration is simply isn’t strong enough to create real lasting change.

It’s not enough to simply say a few good feeling affirmations, I now realize that as I’ve been changing my life in big ways, I have to do the same with money. And god I hate to even think about it because money caused me so much pain no matter what area it’s in. Business, jobs, thinking about it, trying to manifest it, talking about it, family issues, student loans and especially looking at other people with money… No matter what angle I’m in relationship to it, I feel like money constantly grabs me by the balls and I can’t help but to submit to it.

While I was  playing video games contemplating the source of this really heavy and blatant truth, I realized that my relationship with my father is the root cause of this. Now, I always knew that money, my dad and I wasn’t the best mix and contributed to some limited beliefs but I then realized how damaging that relationship really was.

My dad is very generous by nature, but I always had a really hard time asking him for money because when he gets angry he would immediately throw it in my face or anyone that asked or supported him.
Writing this now I see how I got those mixed messages early on about money. A lot of the time when I asked he would give me the money no problem even though I had a hard time asking, yet sometime however long later it was wrong of me to take from him because somehow I was being lazy or wasn’t doing enough for him. Ouch… I’m actually getting emotional so I know this IS the cause of all my money (and deep emotional) pain.

Earlier, before I realized the money relationship with my dad, I knew on a more conscious level that my worthiness was tied to money. The fact I couldn’t make money made me feel really bad deep inside… And the reason for that is the way my dad treated me and my family when he got angry. Honestly, it was like we were nothing but a burden and lower than dirt to him because of whatever my dad was angry about. I was really young when this started (or that I can remember) and for it to continue up till last year when I finally cut my father off is about two decades of the same constant mixed messages. Moreover, two decades that I felt entirely unworthy to ask, receive or have money because I needed someone (my dad or another random force) to make me feel that it’s okay to have money, especially my own.

Right now, as I’m writing this, I’m NOT okay with having money because… I’m just not. There is so much energy in that whole ordeal that I feel numb on the inside. I just know that if I could, I would never want to have or desire money again because it’s been so painful when I had it or didn’t have it.

From this small root that my dad planted in me sprouted a giant oak tree busting with so many branching paths that only contributed why money is bad, I’m not good enough for it and that somehow, even if I suffer, I’m better without it. Thus my life is the way it is when it comes to money. And right now, I’m pretty fucking angry about it, but that rant is for another day.

I just know that now I can move on to the solution now that I know the problem. Because for years it just seemed like a huge wall that I could never get over, and that there was no one single issue with money that I could really shift in a positive direction. Everything always stayed the same even if my mindset changed for the better… But now I know. It was the deep rooted problems with my father that I needed to address, not the surface stuff that spawned from it.

So now, I’m deciding to end this “way of life” and claim my power back when it comes to money…

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Vision 17: Taking a Leap of Faith

On Friday I washed up Money Money Money, a manifesting playground course focused on manifesting abundance. I had no idea what lead me there but indeed I saw something quite amazing. Even as I was reading about the class and the hostess own success stories about all the money she manifested, I couldn’t help but to feel jealous. I wanted to have that success story about myself, but knew that these types of money courses are always expensive. But as I continued reading, I found out that you didn’t have to pay to get into the class, in fact you pay after you manifested the money, even better, you only had to pay 10% of what the class is worth or whatever money you feel that you manifested through the class.

I couldn’t believe it with the realization I had about my own money issues a week before. I felt that this might be my chance to finally bury the hatchet with the issues I have with money. Because even though I’m adamant on changing my relationship with money, I have no idea what the next step should be or how to help break the negative core beliefs I have. I know that money is the issue, but the real problem is with me, not the money itself. And figuring out how I should turn those problems around is overwhelming, I have no idea what to do, but I’m always looking for actionable ways to shift this vibration I’ve always carried.

Then out of the clear blue sky I’m reading more about this course and it has everything laid out for me. A Facebook group, daily email assignments, even live coaching calls. I had to really convince myself WHY this is what I needed even when I was talking myself out of it with my preferred preferences of a more personal experience. It’s true, I do want a personal coach that can take me under his or her wing to show me how to be powerful with money, but they don’t have a set up where you pay after you manifest the money. They want thousands of dollars that I’ve yet to make in my whole adult life which adds to my anger towards them and my own money issues. So finding this money class where I can get the help is something that I needed to take advantage of, even if I was scared that it wouldn’t work or if my true commitment was there.

But I know for a fact that I want this to change, I no longer want to stay broke simply because I feel money brings in more pain than pleasure or that my family mostly displayed lack, disagreements and negativity with money. I don’t want to have money, my personal story, my family bullshit or my feelings about money controlling my life anymore because it’s a lot more painful where I am now than to experience what I fear WITH money. I much rather have it now with all the bullshit it might cause than to pretend I’m some granola eating hippy (I love granola and hippies) that can simply manifest everything and somehow life is better for me to not be in my power. I’m tired of living that life and reliving that story day after day.

So many years it seems that I just accepted way less of who I really am due to some really shitty programing and lackluster role models when it comes to wealth and happiness. I want to be happy and I want to be wealthy, abundant, and in my power. I want to feel and be powerful over my own money than simply having money (or lack thereof) which was my mindset for the longest. I just wanted money so that I didn’t have to deal with my relationship issues with money. But now I want to deal with my relationship issues with money so that I can finally feel comfortable receiving and having money. 

So after a long personal debate I knew this is what I truly needed and took that leap of faith and I’m glad I did. Even with the first few assignments before the class starts tomorrow, I’m starting to see glimpses of why my personal relationship with money is the way it is. I can’t wait to see how I change more and how money responds differently to me by the end of the course!

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Vision 16: How I Should Feel

A few days ago, I learned that my mother is going under surgery this coming Monday. It was hard to really know what was going on because my mother didn’t want us to worry. But as me and my sister questioned her we finally got our answers, but I won’t go over them here.

The only thing that I do know is that my emotions turned into a whirlwind. Like a firm tree I kept strong and grounded no matter what the situation was because I hate jumping to wild conclusions. That and my emotional nature runs as deep as a seemly calm river. Everything seems fine on the surface, even peaceful, but as soon as I go an inch too deep that river will swallow me whole forever. I learned to not underestimate my emotions, and this situation was no different...

I’m used to following the pack with how I should feel, but in the last month of controlling my emotions and such I learned to stay independent of how I think and feel. So when it came to how my family was handling the situation emotionally, I reminded myself that I don’t need to follow anyone’s lead about how I should feel.

Honestly, that day I was feeling pretty good, as well as the following days (including today) besides my weird feelings of the news. I like being happy with myself and life, things are changing for the better for me. And on the same day that I realized that I desire to be close to my family (when for years I wanted to get away from them) only to hear that my mom is going under surgery in just a few days, I consider my position as a blessing, not a curse. That is huge for me to think like that.

Because any other time I would blame myself and the universe for throwing me this curve ball and toying with my sensitive emotions when I finally found peace in a deep struggle I’ve been in for years. Yet, somehow I found this situation as a real blessing in my life. A chance to infuse more love into my motives and to talk, think and be about what I truly desire deep inside. I still can’t believe it.

But a part of me still feels unsure if this is how I should feel despite all my knowledge of the Abraham Hicks material I’ve been avid about lately. I know that when I feel good I’m closing the gap to my desires, but why do I feel slightly wrong for being this way when my mom is going under surgery?

Simply because I feel that I need to show that I care about the situation by being worried, scared and a fucking mess. Yet somehow I’m learning to roll with life, enjoy myself anyway and to believe in something far greater than my mortal mind can imagine.

Yes, apart of me is afraid and scared (I cried a bit before) but it is not my state of being. I still do wish and hope that everything goes well but I have a knowing that things are going to be okay. Most of all I know that no matter what subject, situation or circumstance I’m in, it is no more important than what happened the day before, because it’s not about what is happening but how I’m feeling. And I want to feel good, I want to talk about the good stuff that is happening and I want to show how good my life is no matter what circumstance I’m in.

Even if my family doesn’t understand (not that I’m going to express my deepest feelings), I know what they think and feel does not matter in how I should feel; as long as I’m validating myself through my own emotions that is all the validation I need.

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Vision 15: Being in the Present Moment

More than ever I’m truly learning to be in the present moment. In all the days that I didn’t get the chance to make a new blog post about my most recent experiences, I found myself in a state of living in my head. Constantly thinking about the future, possible outcomes, things I would like to do, worries and fears. A lot of this has taken me back in a place where I have little to no control. And in an attempt to regain control I franticly try to think positive, go general and just anything to ease my stress. The thing I wasn’t really doing however is being in the present moment.

When I decided to live this new lifestyle of being in Zen mode, being in the present moment was on top of the list. When I’m in total Zen mode, I’m not thinking about the past or future… I’m thinking about right here right now and enjoying the moment. I’m enjoying life at its fullest even if I’m in the house. It’s the little things and just the gratefulness that I have for them that gives me pure joy. But as soon as I let everything else take control over how I feel and think, I’m an absolute mess. These last few weeks are a good example.

But I’m finding my way again and I’m learning so much about myself and the old programing I’m currently changing. I know that I don’t have to be perfect all the time, or be so blissed out that I’m totally ungrounded. Not to say I like being stressed out of my mind, but there is a balance. When I’m in bliss mode but not in a way that I’m trying to escape reality (thus being ungrounded,) things just flow, they really do. And that is the best way to live life, when things just constantly flow. When you are being guided to all the things you want, and most of all, when things just work out. Despite my rollercoaster emotions and my acts to control them, things have been shifting in ways I couldn’t imagine and I know it is because of my dedication to my lunar side.

The forgiveness, passion, fun, creativity, writing and just exploring my inner worlds gave me that chance to grow in a whole new way. Not in the way that makes me want to build up my ego and presence, but in a way that makes me take a good look at my true self. It makes me see what I am doing to myself from the inside out, and not just the outside in, which was ass backwards from the start.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m finding more of myself everyday with each success and even “fuck ups” I have. I’m becoming more confident in myself and I’m looking more to the big picture and me having to flow with it than trying to control it to the way I want it. I feel like me and the universe is hearing each other a lot more clearly now than ever and that feels so good to say.

I hope you are becoming more in the present, if you need a little help you can check out this great EFT video I watched before writing this, it was a godsend. Talk to you soon!

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Vision 14: Honoring Myself

Even though things have been generally a little up and a little down emotionally, I am learning to honor myself and my gifts.

My gifts of divination, vision, creativity, spunk and general liveliness. Sometimes it does get hard… Like, really hard. As if I’m being constantly challenged for wanting more ease, flow and smoothness in my life. Where I feel like no one understands who I am and why I am this way. Sometimes I put too much emphasis on people needing to understand me for me to be happy, but I am learning to get over that too.

I guess what I am saying is despite so much that has been happening, I am finding my way, even if people don’t understand me. I know that I can’t give a shit what people think this year and I will have to stand up for what I truly believe in but I wish it was a little bit easier. I have to be really gentle with myself...

If I keep trying, moving ahead and most of all honor my gifts and visions I will completely see myself out of this and by god am I ready for it now, but I know it will take time… And I’m becoming okay with that too…

If you want to know about your own gifts and learn how to nurture them you can order a Angel Choice card reading from my shop. The angels will direct me on the loving messages and gifts they want to give you through the cards!

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Vision 13: I want

The last couple of days or even this past week I’ve been noticing a growing trend of my old feelings of wanting things that caused me great pain in the past coming back up to the surface.

These things stem from my wanting of popularity and validation… At this point in my life, deciding to move into my lunar side this year, I don’t understand why I still want to indulge in the things that keep me blinded from who I really am.

I do believe that whatever it is that we desire we can have, at the same time if the path there is painful then there is a lot to consider. All of my strides for popularity over the years haven’t been the best; in fact it limited me to only thinking in a certain way. I was scared to grow past those limitations and quite frankly it made my life pretty dull compared to the freedom I gave myself recently.
 
Yet, when I see others having things that I want time and time again, I start to slowly convince myself that maybe the timing wasn’t right, or that I have to do things in a different way, or something to justify my “failure” of not achieving something great. A part of this is due to the fact that I am finding myself again in this different stage of life, I would say “adult” but that doesn’t suit me… I’ll go with “more responsible.” ;)

When you don’t know who you are you will want the outside to decide that for you and validation of who you think you are by other's praises. It’s so easy to fall into that trap because it seems like the easy answer, but it’s not. It’s the tough answer and a hard bitch to please because there will always be someone that will think you’re wrong, inappropriate or just fucking bad. You are truly playing with fire…

Anyway… Taking the time to explore my feelings I again see the role I am indeed playing, and I can gently remind myself of why seeking outside validation isn’t for me. It’s not who I am… It’s not who I want to be… Who I really want to be, to experience and to be apart of is the greater part of myself. My emotions, my inner world, my self expression and my creativity; god knows I need no one’s permission for that.

That is why I’m blogging as I am, speaking my truth no matter how it looks to others. Because I don’t care what people might think, all I want is to express all the parts of me. I gain personal satisfaction of that and that is enough for me. All the outside validation comes from an insecure place, perhaps one of a younger age that I’m currently growing out of. In any event, I don’t blame myself for this; I’m going to love myself exactly as I am. But I do want to make clear that my goal is not for people to “see me,” but for me to see and be the true me, without any fucked up filters or limitations.

I feel good talking about what I am talking about, showing my love for things and getting in touch with who I am in a deeper, meaningful way. That means more to me than 1000 people loving something I did with less consideration, or at least I would like to think that… But I am fickle… Once I get what I want I will want something else, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. I just want to enjoy what I’m doing because I’m doing it, not because people will shower me with love and appreciation…

I have to remind myself of my goals often, or I’ll slip back into my old routine of wanting things that kept me from blossoming into the women I am becoming. Only now I know this because I’ve detached myself enough to see the bigger picture of what was actually happening than what I thought was happening.

I guess with that I can say that I’ve come quite the way since I started my new lifestyle of Zen about a month ago. The road is indeed a successful one. :)

I haven't blogged about this yet but I've started a fun little series this week about manifesting your soul mate on my fan page. By all means if you are interested like me on Facebook to get daily tips all the way up to Valentine's day to manifest true love in your life!

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Vision 12: Gaining The Permission to be Me

The last few days have been full of great realizations through emotional upheaval and feelings of anxiety. I came to the point where I knew that being a coach, trying to look great in front of others or trying to be this beacon of light so I’m validated in life isn’t the lifestyle I want or need.

I got attached to this notion in recent years that if people loved and valued you, than that was your worth. When I decided to change my lifestyle of that of Zen and peace, that fact was no longer valid. But in my recent dip in my own negative feelings and my old story, I started to see this fact in a new way. I can’t say how I’m seeing it more differently now vs. then, but I actually saw myself acting out my self perceived role in life. Where I try my damndest to overcome myself and anything I thought was holding me back because I felt inferior.

That is not the life I want to live anymore, that is the point I’ve come to. I notice that I do treat life as a battle field and I’m always the underdog that has to do a lot more just to get by. I want to think that the struggle is a divine sign of how powerful I am, but in truth, it’s the role I chose to play all these years. I don’t have to struggle if I don’t want to, but since I believed in this story that I was always the weak one, I did everything in my power to change that. Not through my internal perception but through these twisted social rules.

If I am weak, I have to prove that I am strong. If I am quiet, I have to be loud. If I am slow moving, I have to be fast. If I am not ambitious, I have to be hard working, etc, etc… I honestly lost myself between who I was and who I thought I needed to be. The lines became so blurred that life didn’t make sense if I wasn’t trying to change myself for the better. Life as I knew it wasn’t mine to enjoy, but something I have to prove my worthiness to.

In knowing that I didn’t have to do anything to prove myself, I became afraid that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I honestly felt lost in the world because I no longer had this “dream” or ambition to prove my worthiness anymore. It’s clear that I base too much of my worth on “results” and a lot of external factors.

I guess that is why choosing to dive deep in myself has been so beneficial to me. I’m not doing this to prove myself, I’m not looking for praise, and I don’t want to be seen or be out there… And most of all, I’m ignoring “reality.” I’m no longer making it a point to prove myself to anyone or anything. All my life is about is my happiness, peace and serenity. And in that period where I reverted back to the old story, I saw how damaging my self perceived role was.

I wasn’t being the underdog soon to be hero; I was just like the many people in the world unaware of their true freedom of choice.  I DON’T have to struggle. I DON’T have to prove myself. I DON’T have to overcome life and other’s expectations. And I surely DON’T have to live in a way that doesn’t serve me because I feel “my role in life” is through struggle to become someone great. There is no such thing because I’m already great, perfect, proven and worthy. So why am I causing so much self-inflected pain when I now know this on such a deep level?

Because I chose to do so… But now I’m choosing peace, ease and the easy life no matter how anyone else views me. I already know who I am and that person is very worthy so I no longer have to dig deep into struggle, pain or some internal war to somehow gain the permission to be me…

If you want to know who you are on the deepest level that is available to you, you can order my popular aura reading The Crystal Code. Where I intuitively pick up the very colors in your aura, what they mean and how they are effecting your life in this very moment. This is the most in depth reading I offer and is great for those that are stuck in their life or don't know how to move forward in their current situation.

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